peach

Robin; Tweety's cousin from nowhere`` ;)

2011-11-08T00:46:00.002+08:00

Letter to Robin

CONGRATULATIONS ROBIN! YOU FOUND IT!

Not like it's that hard to find, I post it everywhere. Hahaha. But this is one dead dear thing.

END OF LETTER.

081111 00:50

Man oh man. I washed me hairree. Yessiree. Well updates on my life. I haven't graduated yet. Dammit. I'm still schooling but then I'm totally enjoying the working life. It's a bitch because I work almost everyday yet I'm okay with it.

I'm like a workaholic. And I totally like being a workaholic. But then the thing is that, it really ruins my life. I rush everywhere and everything. And sometimes I don't know why I'm rushing but I'm rushing and that's that. :/

I like having this freedom of money in my pocket though. I guess it's something everyone likes but then what about a young teen or youth? I think sometimes the world really impacts us a lot.

Years ago, I wouldn't be like this. I wouldn't care about what clothes I wear. I wouldn't care about what people think about me but I care so much about what I think about myself. What I am, what morals I believe in and hold so dear to my heart.

Now that I've grown older, I can't really see these things as I have seen them before. I shop now, I buy really expensive things now. I actually have a preference for materialistic goods. The past me didn't like all these things. The present me does. No matter how much I try to convince myself to be different I think I've lost the true purpose of why I wanted to be different in the first place.

I wanted to be different because what I perceive of the crowd is that they always follow blindly, they think it's cool and they wanna do it and end up everyone's doing it. It's really stupid to me. So then I wanted to be different, I wanted to be the interesting one, the one that is different and special and sees things from the other side of the mirror.

The grass ain always greener on the other side then. The grass was always greener, fresher and more awesome on this side.

And man oh man, I had dreams, I have a lot of dreams. But now, I think the only dreams I should have is when I close my eyes.

:P

-

Dusty purple skies~`*

2011-10-27T01:02:00.002+08:00

Hello Blog. :)

I told myself not to be emo tonight but the sky isn't really all that helpful..
I guess sometimes I can't control my thoughts and words very well.
I don't think before I speak most of the time because I always think that, the first words and thoughts that you think are the truth and is you not the fake you.

I focus too much on being me, really me not fake like the other people. And then I realise that I may not understand the situation properly and speak first, which causes more troubles.

I have problems being myself now and being who I want to be, yes there's a difference.
I believe that I have to really think about all these things. And right now, here in this dead stormy night, I fight my battle alone, and I wish for things to be well alone.

But the truth is, I guess, I should learn to move on, let live and just enjoy life and the moments. Don't think too much, try your best in everything, watch what I say and just have neutral thoughts and feelings all the time, then, life will be at peace. :)

Dance the stars away ~ *

2011-06-28T01:33:00.002+08:00

*takes a deep breath and blows away all the dust*

HI! Hahaha sorry I didn't come on so long honey... But you know what, right now, I'm in school again.

It's been a mad emotional ride, you know? But it has been fun. For once in my life, I feel grateful that I am taking a lighter stand at things in life.

I played poker and got impressed by a guy. I think I discovered what kind of a girl I am when I played poker and I know what kind of a guy I might take interest in. :P

And I also played my favourite round of hearts, I lost the game but I was happy. Why? I have no idea why neither! I thought I would get angry and stomped off hahahaha.

Now, let me introduce you to my baby!

I only like the "oetoriya oetoriya daridiridara du~" HEEHEE!

Oh gosh and with the night comes the dread!
2 articles baby! Everyone makes it sound all cool and nice... 10 REFERENCES!

I should sleep, the pimples are almost healing.... zzz... goodnight! :)!

Turn to the left & look up at the night sky

2011-04-12T00:28:00.004+08:00

Singapore's sky doesn't really look like that, yea I know.

But you know, despite Singapore being a city that doesn't have a lot of nature. I feel envious of the people living close to the ocean or the seas.

I think the place where I live is relatively close to the ocean because I live quite near East Coast Park or ECP as you may like to call it. I don't know what's with people and the short forms for everything. Like King Albert park is KAP. Haha.

Anyway, I really enjoyed it, I was out with Piggy on Friday night, and we do what we did before, we at the sea side, and we were just sitting at the beach at night looking out at the ocean. The first time I was there, I was with another guy, angmoh guy haha. And I think it's nice.

I really like nature. I like the ocean, I like being out at the beach at such a late hour, I don't mind staying there the whole night, I think it would be very romantic.

But even though, these 2 guys, I don't exactly hold any romance with any of them, I still think it's nice that we're at the beach.

The sand at night is cool, there is no one in sight, just the 2 of us and the world feels open to us. The sense of freedom is overpowering. Though I must say, being with the angmoh guy, I had more of that feeling. Why?

The apartment that he is living in, faces the ocean, so beautiful. I love it, and we were drinking, I had the rum and the lime, we were out in his apartment til like early in the morning about 3am or 4am? Then other nights we went to the beach and we actually lied down to look at the stars, so awesome, I love it.

Can you imagine? How it must be like in the other countries? I can't wait. I can't wait for my own independence.

I feel like Love, Pray, Eat haha. But I don't know this feels different.

Oh, nature, what would I do if I didn't have you?

I would be sooooo lost.... without you...

<3 ....

WISHLIST UPDATED

2011-03-24T01:01:00.002+08:00

HEY ALLL! What's up? I haven't blogged in the longest time..... Haha.
I hope all of you are fine and well.

Anyways, been working at UniSIM everyday. 1 hour 10mins long bus ride.
I always wanted to count how many bus stops but didn't. However, I know I pass by a lot of schools. And nice places.

I get a feeling that if I go there everyday, I might end up being a stud there. OMG, the school fees are like half a million from the way I see it. Can't afford that shit.

But yea other than that, I had time, A LOT OF TIME to think about what I want. I guess my mum wants to turn me into a girl even though she knows I hate lace and pink. Gaaaaah, here's the wishlist anyway....

* if you wanna get it for me, consult me first, thanks

White Tank Top: Try not to be spaghetti
Long Sleeve Top: Can be cardigan, shirt, tighfit
Black vest
Jacket
Stockings: Thick - Black and colours
Nail Polish: Beige, sky blue, yellow, orange
Heels: COMFORTABLE. Stills.
Dresses for all occasions, knee length.
Hats
Sunglasses
Boots: ankle, knee length
Shoes: sneakers, palms?
Hairspray: my dream one was the one I first came across Seabreeze Hairspray for $24 bucks about there hehe
Ipod touch
Iphone
Personal Digital Camera
Digital Watch
Laptop screen protector*
Handphone screen protector*

One of the better days..

2011-02-10T21:57:00.002+08:00

Hello, it's been a while since I've been here. How are you?

It's been crazy. I still don't think my GPA is going to soar this semester because I just don't take the ropes enough. Well, I've discovered something new about myself again. My mouth is just glued together. :|

Yeah.... It's like I have the thoughts in my head, it's talking them out that's difficult. I don't know why. And sometimes when they come out of my mouth, they are in words and tones that I don't feel. Maybe it's just a problem of expression?

I realise that when there are other people around to take the ropes, I'm kind of afraid of being part of the competition or something so I just try to stay out of power. That's not exactly a good thing but it goes and runs along I guess. I don't have a lot to say and I have different moods when I feel like talking when I don't.

I like The Office. Jim vs Dwight. It's hilarious really. I wish I could like somehow see more of it. Too bad the funniest videos was just been cut off by youtube. Oh wells, so back to the other comedies? I think Mind Your Language can be boring sometimes. The Cosby Show is always rather exciting. Hehehe.

Well, today is break day so I should find something to do and then gear up on the momentum again. It's been crazy, I was supposedly suppose to have 3 presentations today. It's only 2. And I felt like I've lost my silver mouse. In the end, I think my sissy has it. :/

For the past 3 consecutive days, I've been bringing my lappy to school yo. Not too bad is it? But heavy I must tell you. :(

Ah, now I've got Presentations to prepare for progplan, UT, skit for interpersonal, and a CI presentation to do for the following week too! SDLs, reports. I'm weighing out the work then I have to study for 2 subjects and then I wonder how the rest is going to be like. Love, sweet love heehee.

The title reminds me of this song... So long ago....

I didn't notice
But I didn't care
I tried being honest
But that left me nowhere
I watched the station
Saw the bus pulling through
And I don't mind saying
A part of me left with you

One of these days
I won't be afraid of staying with you
I hope and I pray
Waiting to find a way back to you
Cause that's where I'm home

Did I make you nervous?
Did I ask for too much?
Was I not deserving one second of your touch?

One of these days
I won't be afraid of staying with you
I hope and I pray
Waiting to find a way back to you
Cause that's where I'm home

What would you do if I could have you?
Oh if I could
I'd let you feel everything I'm thinking
Wouldn't that be nice?

One of these days
I won't be afraid of staying with you

The Calling

2011-01-25T09:35:00.003+08:00

This phrase has so many meanings.

We use it in the Christian context, that's where I usually always hear it. And yesterday I heard it again in a different way. I heard it through a woman's voice on serving others, those in need. It sounded so bold, so noble. And also very...

I don't know what's the word for it. But it will definitely be counted worthless and not the materialistic life that the majority seeks but it will fulfill emotional need, it's high scoring on the EQ level than the shopping and materialistic level.

It's amazing. I've been to PLMGS for like at least a decade of my little life and I never knew that a little villa existed near my school, like a world of their own. Captured in a house that looks like a villa. It's really awesome though I must tell you.

I've always pass it by but think it's a temple. It's a heaven for the people living in there. It's like a giant house for the people who need it the most. The words she used to describe and talk about them were just so filled with love.

In my course, we do not know how else to call them. The word Old is always associated with the negative. Older sounds a little more acceptable. Elderly is kind of gross too. We call them patients because they are technically like that. But she calls them residents. And she's filled with so much love because she says things like they are at the other end of life. And it's either making their numbered days a happy one or a sad one but mostly all of them enjoy it happily.

She said she's seen beautiful deaths and ugly deaths before. When asked what ugly deaths were, she talked about bloody deaths. I thought it was really nice of her.
I've never known someone with so much heart for the older adults. I really admire her. But she gets very touchy and scary and strict and fierce on violence. But other than that, she's really nice.

I went inside, we went to interview the people there, I was careful, I didn't dare to really talk to everyone but I smiled a lot. I felt sad for the people there. Sort of. Because, I was thinking if I were like them, I think I would kill myself, my life would be no meaning for me.

I got a bit scared of growing old, I already know what's in store for me, how I might die. Death is such a morbid topic but being in this course, sometimes, that's just what people are really waiting for. The next step, the next journey. So it really teaches me to live life to the fullest, the most meaningful while you still can.

Lastly, a song that came into my head when I wrote the title of this entry. Maybe you'll find that it rings a bell?

LYRICS:
REGINA SPEKTOR- THE CALL
It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
Till it was a battle cry
I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
Till they're before your eyes
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye...

HAHAHA! BUT I NEED! BYEEEE! I mean, I'll see you again when I do. :)

Hey world.

2011-01-07T01:11:00.002+08:00

Hello. It's twenty eleven! Yoo hoo! We were all waiting for this year and day before we die the next year, eh?

Lol I'm like 6 or a week late but who really gives a crap huh? Like I said, the new year only means new stuff, new heights, new chances, new explorations and new awesome opportunities.

I've been having it at a rather eventful time though, I got to say. I have SDLs from the toe to about double my height. Yeap. My New Years Resolution is not working at all. And I am sad to announce that the horoscope is ever so true. Always biting off more than I can chew. Even I knew that like seriously, the horoscope profile, can't get anymore accurate than it is.

I've had a pretty nice time today. I don't know if it's awkward or what, but it doesn't feel like anything or that there's anything. Always so shy, so quiet. Like what they all say. 90% of the communication isn't vocal, it's actually non-vocal. Really interesting the movie Hitch, was watching it today. It was sooooo apt for the essay that I am kinda doing. 3 pages omg. And I don't know if there's APA format. So crappish. If it's APA format means you have to go all professional.

I am like having fun, blowing in the wind, dancing, calling up my friends, watching youtube vids. I am surfing my own life and fun and joy, it's really really great, I love it! Until Education came. Sometimes I think Education isn't worth it. You pay so much, do you get more than what you have invested in? NO! How much did you pay for your degree? And how much did it get you? Like seriously? Are you making a loss?

Notepad. ♥

2010-12-28T01:49:00.002+08:00

1955, 1958, 1986, 1989 and 1992. - The Nineteens.

Love you my sweet buds.
LR - genie, jamie, mau, penguin, nelnel
+ royyie, jericho, 15 minutes, josee, justus.

You're all the world ever needs. <3 Love you guys.

Realisation.

2010-12-12T02:47:00.002+08:00

Why do people hurt themselves?

Is it because when they experience a feeling, they are so scarred by it, they worry that they won't be able to feel anything anymore, so that's why they continue to hurt themselves, to ensure they can keep knowing that they are feeling? But it's so ironic, won't one eventually get used to the hurt then they think they are still unable to feel and they cause more harm to themselves?

Why isn't there anyone in their lives to help them then?
Why are all the psychologists just holding a piece of paper and hiding behind their desks all day?
Why won't they walk out on the streets and help them and put their knowledge to good use?

Will someone tell me why?

I just one day that I have the ability to love so much that I am causing damage to myself and that I don't know how to love myself properly. And it's not helping anyone especially me because all I can see are my efforts. What about the other person?
They're just eating me.

I always feel like I am the disadvantaged one. I am the one always being bullied and I have nothing to lean on, no physical real being to hold on to me. I just have to learn how to be strong on my own and fight my own battles.

I can do that but it's so difficult to have to learn how to stand all on your own all the freaking time.

I am human too. I am a girl and society puts females in such a disposition that they are to be demure, to be perceived as innocent and helpless. Maybe people reading this post won't think I'm all that but society feeds this to me and makes me think all that. I am challenging this view. So maybe that's why I don't like the majority because I am the minority that will challenge the views of society. I refuse to succumb. I am fed up.

CHRISTMAS WISHLIST.

2010-12-08T23:51:00.002+08:00

I don't know if this is negligible, however, those who are clueless as to what to get me, here are some things I can think of from the top of my head:

get me....

1. ACCESSORIES. I am freaking serious. Haha.

☑Sunglasses.
☑Hats. Sunhat? Sundress? :P!
☑Belts.

No hairbands please, I don't wear them!

Ermmmmmm....
Well, I think I'm going to get a planner I mean the companies always give out free scheduler and planner so no need.

I bought myself new mini markers/pens.

Well but I do want a portable music device.

OH! I want a Dinky bag.... Hahaha. Like those $5 nice ones that I see opposite Peninsula Plaza....

☑Portable Music Device.
☑Dinky bag.

I got the same christmas wish as Joel... Money. HAHAHA! To buy the things that I want to buy.....

OH!

☑Vest!
☑Jackets!

Okay will update when I think of more stuff I want for Christmas :D

A story of a bowl of Lor Mee.

2010-12-04T15:58:00.003+08:00

I never thought the food that I kind of loathe in my past would come back and haunt me.
I remember it so clearly though. I was in Primary school. I love eating noodles and it has not stop being my preference when compared to rice. My favourite food at that juncture was Fishball Noodles. I always queued up to buy them. For me, in primary school, the noodle store always sell some other bowl of noodles besides the sale of fishball noodles everyday. Like Monday it would be just Fishball Noodles, Tuesday is Prawn Noodles, Wednesday is Lor Mee, Thursday is Lasksa, Friday is Yong Tau Foo... or something like that. And when it came to Wednesday, I always miss yesterday's Prawn Noodles because they were so good.

Today when I woke up from one of my ungodly naps in the day, my mother was eating Lor Mee. And I thought about how that time, she told me when we were back at her old home in Queensway about how she used to eat this Lor Mee too when she was younger. She told me about how she recognises the auntie from her childhood. It was so amazing. She told me if she went up there to order, she believes that the auntie still remembers her like how my mother also recognises this auntie.

It just strike me, when I was eating this left over bits of Lor Mee about how food can really travel and live for so long. How having a business in the same place can also last for so long. How that same bowl of Lor Mee when we were eating there, pretty much tastes the same except for... My mother told me that this one that we're eating tasted horrible because the soup was so diluted she was disgusted and couldn't eat it anymore. I tasted it and I remembered being at the place where my mum used to live. The auntie's Lor Mee was so much better. So much full of taste.

And I remembered how rich the taste was. I just thought about how expensive things are these days. It's really amazing how they are so expensive. Like the same things from about half a century ago... just that we pay more for it. It's really amazing.

But then that's just my thought about it. I didn't know finding a drawing of a bowl of Lor Mee on the Internet was so difficult. I typed it in the search bar and I found all sorts of weird things. Batman and joker, prostate diagrams with the small intestine wtf. But yea. That's the Internet for us!

The Unbeatable Doorknob!

2010-11-26T01:34:00.002+08:00

Introduction; negligible.
What seemed to start out as a terrible day seemed to have good things along the way too. I woke up late. So I was late for Health Psy tutorial but Edgar was really nice, he is always nice. LC wasn't there neither was Max. But then I was with Vir. It was Macdonlds the first thing I saw when I stepped into the class. My reaction was a bit disgusted. Then I was asked to pick what I would eat. I was like er um, nothing? Then oh well, big breakfast I guess. :/ Then see how much calories, fat, and WHOA. MACS FOOD GOT A HELL LOT OF SODIUM DAMMIT! 1K PLUS LEH! Out intake is suppsoe to be 2k plus only!!! OMGOMGOMG!

And the tutorial questions asked stuff like how often you eat? Do you upsize it? Wow. It's amazing the effect macs has on us. And talking about all that fried fatty food, I still nought 2 harshbrowns and OJ. Hahaha.

The next tutorial class was CI, which in my opinion, nobody understands anything. Nobody understands what the presenters are saying, the presenters don't understand what they are saying and what the other presenters are saying but we are to ask the presenters questions and they are to answer then. Wow. I am presenting next week!

And then we had lunch break in which we enjoyed a lunch daze yay! Then we went for our last tutorial lesson which was fun because we had another drama to act out, it seemed confusing but it got through and I kept laughing, it was fun really.

I went to the library to do some work and by the time, i planned to leave, it was pouring worst than cats and dogs, and as a result I was late for work oh shit.

So yeah, gotten a bit of the shifty attitude. It was overall slack but still okay, except I was doing the closing time too, which means wipe all tables, sweep floor and mop floor. Of course we're sharing the duties!

Climax.
I finished mopping the floor at about 11.10 to 15ish then stood at the counter there to see my manager and another colleague count the cashier money. There was a girl colleague who had already changed. It all started when they asked me to go and change my clothes. I did and I went into the office, only to realise that I couldn't open the extra room where all the clothes were kept and my bag. So I stood around waiting for someone else to come in.

The girl colleague who had already changed came in and see that I had difficulty and she tried to open the door too but to no avail. She said what's wrong with the door? It could open just now what! Then the another colleague and my manager came in and they all couldn't open the door. By then, the doorknob was rather loose.

They all attempted to open the door until the doorknob came out, it was by then, we knew, we were in trouble. So the first thing we did was to call the security guard. Which was utterly useless. They had no contact for a locksmith and they freaking didn't know what to do. Ironic much eh you SECURITY guard. Giving us no security at all.

So they asked me to notify my parents, so I told my dad the situation and I know my dad's good at fixing things so I asked him if he was willing to come down and help, he sounded really fierce and all but he came anyway <3!

We were waiting around at the ground level for dad, they were smoking, I was pacing around. Then I saw my dad and I led him up and showed him the doorknob and all. Initially it was useless, it seemed like my dad was just as helpless as we were. The 2 colleagues of mine went to the security guard or went to get a locksmith's number or get help, leaving me, dad and my manager there. Though the situation of getting the door unstuck was helpless, my dad persisted. He tried everything and anything and my manager who was angry and rather desperate because she needs to come early tomorrow to do the opening of the shop and she lives in the west.

Slowly and steady, my dad took out the doorknob and also unscrewed the metal piece holding the doorknob securely onto the whole door piece itself. Having unscrewed that metal piece out, we could see how the doorknob works with the metal piece that is jammed into the door, making inaccessible attempts for the door to be open. It took rather a long while to jam the whole doorknob into the hole of the door to the other side. I suggested that we should jam it until it popped out through to the other side, so yes, that round thing you see as a doorknob, it went through the hole of the door where the doorknob should be. Leaving a large round hole.

After the large round hole was there, we were still struggling to get the jammed metal piece out so that the door can open. And the metal piece got out just in time when the door opened and the locksmith entered, I immediately went in, get the doorknob that was pushed to the other side and put it in the office area and went to the clothes room to unlock my locker and get my bag out, I went to the toilet to change and came back to put the stuff. All this was from 11.20 to about 1am, 1am was when I was in the car with my dad to go home. 1 and a half hour.

It was amazing. I felt so happy and thankful for my dad! :) I love him so much, he came to my aid despite just reaching home from work. And it was really great. :)

I've decided that I want to marry a handy man just like my dad when I grow up.
Daddy, I don't think you will ever read this entry but I want you to know that I am so proud of you, so proud to be your daughter and to know I have that intelligence and brain that you do. :) I love you daddy. <3 :)

seventeenth november two thousand and ten

2010-11-18T00:53:00.002+08:00

Today is Hari Raya Haji. Public Holiday. I had a fun time rolling around in bed til like noon then got up hurriedly to do work. Mindmap work. Brain damage.

I told nelnel that we need to go out today since it's a public holiday and i told her to arrive before 3pm at orchard. I miss F21 I think. In the end, we were both late dammit.

4pm. 5pm is the interview/work. 1 hour of nothingness it feels. Nelnel visits her beloved shrine of Sylvianian Families lol. It's amazing. I did think they were cute but not really up to that extent.

We went Fox, talking about Fox, I've made up my mind to buy that last item. With 20% discount from member card with nelnel's help of course I can get my top at 21.50. I calculated WOOO. Love that top. Already planned what to wear with it ;P

And also we didn't have time to go anywhere actually. She have not me exactly. She wanted to go around the places, I went to buy my dinner that was Mos Burger. The Teriyaki Chicken was awesome.

What was even more awesome was the new workplace... So slack! So relaxed. I love it. I really do! Never thought work could be like that. Nobody scolding you. People trust you to do your work. It feels really great man.

And I went off earlier at like 7 something. I went to F21. Wisma first. When I was there I was thinking omg I need to find a new place to shop for clothes..... It was so miserable please the selection of clothing on display! No wonder it was Sales Clearance! Then I went to Somerset. I think I bought the last set of what I saw there the last time. I didn't buy the yellow top thing but ended up getting another colour and sort of the same.... I felt like an orange potato bag to tell you the truth but I still bought it because it was so obviously the last one. It was almost 30 bucks. Oh well.

And F21 is so annoying. They'd shut their level 3 and level 2 changing room and leave the level 1's open only! FOR WHAT! And the 2 idiotic girls standing infront of me actually went up thinking that they were smart people. HAH! I am so mean. And I was standing there like so pissed off... Not as pissed off as I was when I was in Cotton On!

I was actually picking stuff to wear inside of the potato sack top that I picked... So I know Cotton On got the orange colour to match the top and I quickly picked 3 tops of different sizes..Then there was this girl infront of me, she was like smsing her friend really angrily about this girl infront of her.. I didn't understand why she was being so mean and such a bitch.. She said this girl asked opinion from her boyfriend and he was like yeah nice then she went back inside the changing room again and she was expressing her anger.

Then finally she went in and I understood her frustration. This girl, really considerate of her, she wore a clothing then called her boyfriend to see the clothing, he was like yeah nice whatever then she kept probing him isnt it loose? Then probe for like what 2 to 3 minutes then go inside wear another top and then ask him or the salesperson to pick another size for her like WTF. It's like closing time and there's a queue and she's doing this! I was standing infront I felt like slapping her. I wonder how her boyfriend feels man.

Looking at this situation, it dawned upon me that in the 21st century, it's the women who wear the pants now, not the men. It's the women, the control freaks, the dominant, the men just slack and relax honestly. But it's like what all the psychology books say really.... It's barking mad.

Sigh, at last I picked out my clothes, and well, I'm more broke than I already am. I really need to save my money. Sigh.

I was talking to myself today after work, I felt so depressed really. Going back to the places where I actually find comfort in just to realise that these places don't give me the same comfort anymore but they remind me of memories I wish to forget. Events that happened in that place that I don't want to remember.

Maybe that's why I need to find a happy place, another happy shop to shop in but where? This is like the one and only place that I can really find joy and all that. It's destroyed. I was saying stuff like next time if I ever go out with ya'll I won't tell you where are my usual hangouts because I don't want you to turn that place into a nightmare for me. It's my safe haven and I wish to keep it as that.

Sigh, what a nightmare, what a sad thought to enter my head. Maybe there's somewhere that I should consider. I went there with Jerry before, it's the F21 Vivo outlet! Yes yes yes! Lol but nose is going to be there and he wants to write letters to me. We're so sad sad sad sad.

And by the way, about that, I was talking to myself about that too. I do want a boyfriend but then I've decided maybe I won't be serious. I won't have this whole Leroy bullshit to go through again. I just want to be loved, noticed and cared for and I want to be able to do it to someone who will do it back to me too. Is it so difficult?

I've finally learnt the rules and the game of love. It's a cruel game of love where women stand to rule over men. And men are slaves for the first time. Seeing it and hearing it from other women, realising that I've done the same thing unintentionally to other men, breaks my heart. It is the sole reason for so many things that have happened. It is a sad and cruel way for men but surely an effective way. I feel sad for the men. It works though this cruel way I must say, it works very well.

I hate it though. Because I never get the men I want in my life but get those that I don't want. And I know it will break my heart if I do that cruel way to the guy that I like. I don't know how the other girls can do it. But I know if it's me it will break my heart. But at least they end up happy I guess. You break your own heart, get the guy you want under your thumb and rule, why not right? That must be what the other girls think.

But for me, it's not the breaking my own heart that matters is more like I want the guy to have his own freedom, I want him to love me on his own terms, I don't want to trap him like the other girls do. Corner him and leave him with no choice. But because I have chosen to do that, I leave myself in heartaches and heart breaks. I realise I always save others than save myself.

Things that I know I need I do it to other people, wishing and hoping they would return the favour. But of course they never do. Why would they? They always say Do unto others what you wish others to do unto you. I have always practiced that as much as I can up to the best of my own ability but it never works. Good works go unnoticed unless you're me. It's true. Or someone spies on you 24/7.

Ah it's almost 2am, guess it's time to sleep. Goodnight! :)!

introduction.

2010-11-15T00:32:00.004+08:00

Hello my name is Duckie.
I am still 18 and very much childlike but also mature.

I've only had one relationship in my life but I've had thousands of crushes on a lot of guys. Okay not thousands just had a lot or maybe not that much, I can count them off on my fingers at least.

I've expressed interest in many guys, I've flirted without meaning to and sometimes just for the heck of fun but most of time when I really like a guy especially those that I have a crush on, I can tell you that I am totally serious about them.

When it comes to love and romance, I am a totally devoted girl to her love. Yes I admit being young, we'll all still keep our eyes open but most of the time, I am with whoever I am with and I am mostly faithfully loyal to them unless they neglect me or something along those lines happen.

But then again, I guess I am not here to sell myself out to the guys who read or see this. But know this. I am very serious about relationships. Very. I am mostly seen or viewed by people as tough, cunning, shrewd and you know what, I'll tell you something, I can be like that at times. I can plan for your death, I can kill you and I can torture you mentally.

But of course, some are not in my favour and delight so yeah well, I won't do them but I shall let you know that I am not to be fooled, used and tricked. I do not trust easily and yes though I may give in and I may act like a blur fool sometimes. You better wish I'd stay like that most of the time because when I snap out of it. You will regret it.

So take my warning and heeding, I shall say no more because I don't really know what else there is to say anymore.

oh dear yes we are in trouble.

2010-10-29T01:36:00.001+08:00

HEY GUYS!

As you can see, I changed my skin, and I had to do it in record breaking time lol because I want to sleep haha it's almost 2AM OMG.

I had a very long day today. It began with Leroy in the morning, horrible pig wake up so late. Ended with Piggy haha.

In the Middle, I had lots of fun with Eugene, we even had a buffet!!! OMGOMGOMG. Hahaha in which we laughed and talk a lot and also we shopped or I did most of the shopping, can't wait for the pictures to be up! And well, I really want to sleep, long day tomorrow so CHEERIOS! :P!

I'm feeling really optimistic right now!

2010-10-27T00:29:00.002+08:00

Oh dear, oh yes, it's 00:30am.

Beginning of Wednesday. You know I wonder sometimes, ever had phobias? You know, phobias of any sorts?

I think I might begin to have one. With just 2 words. 2 words that everyday, everywhere you go especially in your daily lives, you might meet just like that, why? Because you have to and you got to.

These words are called "Group Project", it's really amazing seriously. Because these 2 words have a lot behind them. Why? My new found phobia is this: In Group Projects, you have to choose who you want to work with so with that, that's basically the problem.

Being in Debates, I feel slightly gratified to be a little insane and say I LOVE POLITICS AND THAT'S WHY I JOINED THE DEBATE CLUB! Got to make that into a badge and wear it around, it'll be the love of the century.

So anyway, guess what my friends say is true. It's political all the time. Especially with the ladies. Why? Because the ladies always try to outshine each other, it's not fake, it's true dude. And then the ladies also suffer from something I really hate but I think I suffer from that too sometimes. A little nasty irritating, I want to kick it in the butt problem called Insecurity.

I don't get it sometimes, I really don't get it. They will do anything for it. Turn cold, evil and heartless and they can't see themselves be that because they are blinded by it. I don't wonder, I know I can be like that sometimes, so I have to handle myself well, but I really can't tolerate it sometimes.

Is this the measure of hardship? Is this the measure or some sort of personality test? I really try my best to think and wonder really hard about it. Sometimes I think the fault is on the government and the surrounding and place where we grew up.

Being in a competitive grounds, of course, we would develop insane symptoms or just very slight ones. You know, how it is like, what if she gets better than me, what if this and that, I wanna do the best, I wanna be the best blahblahblah so competitive, I think that's where the insecurity nature came about, it's rather like survival of the fittest or what we call in Chinese, Bu shi ni si; jiu shi wo wang.

I feel so sad sometimes, this is the depth of how humane we are. Even at such height of education, we'd think we'd turn to become more civilised but we're not.

Sometimes, simplicity plays a role in these little events.

But maybe that's why I want to be who I want to be. My birthday date says I'm an engineer or I am born to be one. I was just thinking, I don't really like Science and Math a lot, but I do like to think like what God told me, I guess and I suppose that my ambition and what I want to be and what I want to do, is really amazing and a miracle.

To work out politics huh? So dramatic sometimes, seriously, you have all the scandals like what you see on TV! Imagine seeing them in real life! Wow! Such ignorance! Such award winning actions and all that can score you so much points in the Hollywood world, what a shame!

But it's true isn't it? All the world's a stage, and the men and women are merely actors and actresses... Too good to be true no? Oh crap, I need to sleep and I'm perspiring... Not good at all. Good luck you people out there, Group Projects and human relations are always occurring. All the best, politics for the win. Cheers.

Happiness, we've met.

2010-10-26T00:44:00.003+08:00

I can't help but feel thankful to the Lord.

I have had an awesome time with my friends over the weekend, last weekend. One of them was back from Japan and we went shopping, it was kinda fun, I thought it was going to be the usual thing but it wasn't. I wasn't ignored like I usually was or being ignored and being poked fun at. I used to hate going out with them because of that. They were actually nice this time. :D And to make matters better, I also found a cardigan rather worth it! :D!

And today, the first day of school. I was kinda late for lecture but it was kinda boring, been one hour and all talking, no videos or nothing. There was also an extra lecture for another hour. In total today I wasted 2 hours in lecture and the rest, eating. Hahaha. And then I got called back to come back and work at 6pm today. Horrid, was the first word to enter my head.

But when I went there, it was actually rather one of the best days I've had. We were slacking but working. There were fun people around. And it made me happy and want to stay longer. We even had fun on the bus with 2 of my colleagues, one of them has an iPad haha. I'm surprised he came back, hasn't seen him in the longest time so yeah. It's a bit of a surprise. Oh well. But at least we had fun and I bathe and now I'm waiting for my hair to dry.

I reckon I'm going to get sick. Why? Late nights, late bathing and waiting for the hair to dry, I'm getting really heaty but I'm happy, I really am. For once, the people around me that I dearly love are all there and well and we get along together well too. Love you all, and most importantly, Thank you God for today and Love you God. :D Cheers. :D

D:

2010-10-23T00:02:00.003+08:00

What turned out to be a really busy day today had quite a big turn of events.

Today I was suppose to work from noon to 5pm. I was doing greeter today. I don't know if I lost focus because I forgot to eat because this was like the first few times so bad I think. I don't know. Everything seemed to be so confusing today.

I was greeter but I also took orders and I screwed up. According to the deployment chart, I was suppose to be doing greeter and Station A. I love Station A, only a few tables to do. And I remember doing it really well.

But today the way it went, I don't know if they did tell the other guy but I felt like it was not fair to me. Because even tho I was greeter right? I know it's my fault that I didn't check who was the stationmaster but the thing is, when I first started this stupid bloody job, I had no trainer or even if I had, he went back to China already what the hell then I was just left there dangling, I don't even know how their system works. There's just no communication.

I was the greeter then, I don't know who Station B's stationmaster was and I heard that he went toilet! WTH! Then also never tell me! I am greeter leh! And it's just really a lack of communication, and I took orders because they wanted to eat immediately then the orders came out weird or wrong or something, then I got scolding. 2 people talked to me not just once, more than that I think. I feel so angry and so wronged. I have that feeling for like so many times.

Especially in confused situations, what I think I will end up doing is taking the blame and leaving even if it's not my fault I guess.

I hate this stupid shit, I need to change job or change the line of work I am doing. I want office job, I guess. Sigh. So complicated and so confusing.

Today is such a confusing day!

Worship duties also all mixed up. It's just crappy la. Sigh. I feel so bad, I wish I wasn't so blur sometimes... :(

Holy Sheet.

2010-10-22T00:40:00.002+08:00

Hey you. Lots of things happened recently.

Monday, I had a fun foody day with Jerry. Porridge buffet haha. Then went to his house to eat. I remember being in Suntec and visiting shops, we spent a lot of time there I think. Yes. And I bought shoes. Jerry calls it cheap thrill. It was fun.

Tuesday, I went out with Su Wei omg that girl. I miss her! So long never see her already. She seemed tired but nevertheless, it was fun still, had the meatballs and salmon from IKEA, talked and talked and walked around IKEA and we sat on a brown sofa bed and talked for quite long. IKEA's like someone's house that I so totally love and can feel comfortable with. Su Wei, thanks so much for all the love. <3

Wednesday, I went to work. Then I went out with Jamie. Dear girl, she didn't have a good day I heard. But Bugis is just so fun to window shop in. Went to shops and Jerry would be happy to hear this because CARDIGANS THERE ARE NOT ABOUT $40 BUT CHEAPER! Hahaha and the buttons are quite okay. I figured that I guess I know where I should go shopping next time. Jamie and I, we ended the day talking about stuff and she passed me some clothes. We also plan to have a shopping spree soon and a club outing! Looking forward to your company, Jamie, and don't forget to smile, honey! :)

Thursday, uhhh today supposedly? I was out with Leroy, I thought I had a really relaxed day with him. I dressed up. Looked pretty and all. Leroy was like a walking zombie. From the happy, cheerful, excited me, I felt zapped of my energy when I met him. It was weird, I felt like I dressed up an hour earlier for nothing and doing everything for nothing. And I don't know why Leroy still feels so apologetic all the time. Can't he have fun? Leroy, please have fun. We went today to let loose and have fun. He did smile and be young again, guess he needed to warm up and get used to it, huh? Lols.

Of course, today's relaxed mode didn't last. Got a call, last minute to come to work, I had to change gear and mode suddenly to serious and strict, it took a bit or a while but I managed it haphazardly. It was overall okay quite okay, not too bad. Have you ever had the feeling that you dread going to do something but when you do it, it's actually not bad? That's how I feel sometimes. But I am happy. :)

I got my pay too, sufficient for the last 2 cravings then I'M DONE. I SWEAR I NEED TO STOP. I'M GOING CRAZY. THAT LAST 2 THEN NO MORE. ABSOLUTE NO MORE!!!! Sigh. Joscelyn needs therapy too. Just not retail therapy, that's the wrongest therapy ever.

P.S. Something's returned I think. Needa sleep, long day tomorrow. LOVES!

Even if the world ends tomorrow, you'll be that one thing on my mind.

2010-10-18T20:57:00.004+08:00

Heyyyyo.

I'm in Jerry's house now, using this laptop while he's taking a bath.
The food in his house is really nice. I realise that I miss homemade food especially dinner. I've always had food that's bought from outside because my mum doesn't have time to cook dinner anymore.

I didn't work today and I've realised that I am actually quite busy, I can name you all the people that has asked me out and who I have gone out with. My finances are also getting a bit of a trouble because I've got to watch what I spent my cash on. And I can tell you that the continuous visits to Forever 21 are rather much increasing my chances of declaring bankruptcy.

Now I know how shopaholics feel like. I feel like buying the tops when I see them. Recently, I've seen some tops that look mature but somehow flatter my figure. I like tops that are a sort of pinkish colour in nature. They are really nice and of course things in Forever 21 are really pricey omg. People who shop there must be rich people.

Anyway, I've just banked in my money today. Hopefully it's a good thing for me. I still feel the urge to buy that top that I saw from Forever 21 and the yellow top too. Omg that's almost about $50 already and that's only 2 tops! I really wish I was rich like those people who eat and shop in Paragon. They can just throw their money around as they like.

Should I marry a rich dude? But like my dad always said to me, if you want to buy something, get the best. In everything I do, I remember what he says, he says if you want something, get the best of it. I will, and I hope I will get the best guy too. Maybe one that is rich? One that's my type? I have no idea but one thing I know for sure is that I want to be able to feel confident about myself without relying on clothes.

I know presentation skills and all teach you that your image is important for you to feel confident but what I am really aiming for is the heart and the personality. I mean figures don't last, appearances reflect age. But personality, attitudes and the heart affects the image. For example, if you are a grumpy person, it will show on your face despite you being really pretty and beautiful with makeup and all. You will still look ugly.

I remember the movie Shallow Hal, and I wonder sometimes, what will he see when he looks at me, will he see a pretty girl or an ugly one? For those who don't know this movie, it's a movie that shows a guy looking at girls for their personalities. The nicer they are, the prettier they appear to him but in his friends' eyes, his friends only see them for what they are in their outer appearance. Maybe he will see an ugly girl.

Sigh, it's almost 2am now, I got a feeling I'm falling ill, sleeping late and all. Guess I got to go to sleep. Hehehe. I am feeling tired and a bit confused and dreamy lol.

Goodnight world! :)

P.S. Jay Chou's an jing is nice k... haha :)

i've been living in a lie

2010-10-11T01:33:00.003+08:00

I see the past flash before me. I don't know what I ought to do.

But I'm thankful that I'm not like that. I really am.

At least I know I have a heart, a soul, just a thing in me sane and human enough to care, I feel weird. I feel evil and wicked yet at the same time, I feel pity and I feel a sense of jealous and hatred. How can one action produce so much reaction in me?

I don't understand but I do know why.

I was beginning to lose myself but now, I'm going to get it back.

Joscelyn, you are going to get yourself back. Cheers.

hey bloggie! ♥

2010-10-10T01:26:00.002+08:00

Another full time day at work. This time I stayed til 11pm. Wow yeah.

I was late today by like what 15mins? Eh, I'm really going to work myself to death, signed myself up for the days and with Mel keep harping on asking me.... I earn so little leh. $5.50 per hour. It's like I rather get $7 per hour and suffer shit, it's easier shit by the way and I earn 200 over within weeks! Creedence worked it out with me before, if work everyday can at least pay for school fees about 1k plus every month, almost 1k la.

Sounds awesome to me ehh haha.

Paragon is a really small world, like within the time in which I've worked there, I've seen 4 people I know. From Facebook and from church but wait does TV count? And I realise what kind of look I wanna have hahaha! :D!

It's kinda cool to realise so many things from just working there. :)

And the songs are forever the same, they're driving me mad seriously. Something new happens at Fish N Co everyday I realise... Like today there was a birthday boy or a few and we had to all gather and sing and shout and all that, it's fun but yeah hahaha embarrassing? Lol.

Hmmm, I can't quite make up my mind on what I want and all but yeah.

I'm listening to emo songs too, they just came to me, strange?
I heard
Robbie Williams - She's the one and Eternity
Jay Chou - Nocturne, Orange Jasmine, Cyclone Wind, Dad, I'm home, Silence and Simple Love. They were all nice :D

Oh wells, long day tomorrow, miserable me is going to orh orh. Ciaos.

we're a weird couple and we love it :D

2010-10-09T00:01:00.002+08:00

Heyya! Whoa today I worked like a full timer at Fish N Co and honestly, it was rather interesting today.

I was greeter today, means I had to stand at the entrance and bring the guests in and all that. And I took orders too and played with the counter thing to key in the orders, so fun sia hahaha.

I was suppose to work til 6 only but then Mel was like JOSCELYN! PLEASE! WORK UNTIL 10PM! PLEASE! And I was like uhhhhh.... I need to make a phone call. Then she was like HURRY! Poor Justus haha. So I dressed up for nothing today I guess, but then the tops were nice haha.

Lots of things happened while I was the greeter and I got to be stationmaster and handled a station in the evening. AQ never gave me so much experience but I loved it all the same. I missed being at the bar tho, mixing drinks, doing the salads.

And I made a few hilarious mistakes, I called Mel who was actually Melanie, Melissa because my cellgroup member and course mate's friend are both called Melissa and I always call them Mel so yeah. And 2 of my colleagues in the bar were laughing at me, going who's Melissa?! Hahahaha! And I was like OH SHOOTS!

And I think today I've seen at least 3 Singaporean celebrities, one's a couple and the other is the only guy. There are a lot of interesting people in Paragon, I never knew that and they all come up to you to ask you the weirdest questions. Like where's the nearest ATM machine? OCBC? And I've never heard of ting tai fung or something like that and my colleague was horrified.

Even if something was so well-known, it doesn't mean the whole world would know about it and there she was saying but you are a Singaporean! Are you a fake Singaporean? And I was like No! But I've never heard of it! She was going on about how famous it was! And people ask questions like where's the toilet, is this B1? Where's the Indian convenience store? Do you know where I can get prepaid cards? Where's this restaurant? I'm like wtf, I don't travel here you know.

The people are really interesting also because of many other reasons, they dress funny, and they do funny things. One of the interesting ones was told to me by one of my managers. He told me you see that old man there, he's about 60, he's definitely an old man but look at him! He's got a Mohawk, he wears a leather jacket wow the shirt! And the jeans and the shoes! He looks like a rocker man! He could be 20 or like 19, he dresses like a Youth! And everyday, you see him at Paragon or most of the time, he walks past FishNCo. Wow, it's true, I never fail to see him everyday when I work there in FishNCo. But I'm happy to see him. :D

Oh and there was a mini blackout today hahaha it was funny, one minute the lights were there and then the next we were in darkness, only fishnco, not the rest of Paragon. It seemed to happened when the stores nearby close down. Oh well. Even the counter order machines were affected but the billing was okay.

My feet hurts a lot today maybe because I was wearing sneakers and I am going nuts again because I've put myself down to work everyday like some full timer, most of the timings are that of fulltimers and Mel wants me to work even during the weekends, I'm going to die.

And today I discovered my love for Jay Chou hahaha his songs are awesome man! :D!
Okay gotta go sleep soon, working full time tomorrow! :D!

For no one in particular:
I hate you.
You make me hate you.
Why? I don't know maybe because you're too ungrateful and spoiled.
I hope you die early, the world may be better without you.
Or even better, just stay away from me.
I'd be happier without you around.
Oh yes, I am bloody dead cold to you now.
Cheers sucker.

Plans&dilemmas. `

2010-10-06T00:55:00.002+08:00

Tuning in to Can't Fight The Moonlight by Leann Rimes.

Feel it steal your heart tonight.

Hey diary, I know at this really ungodly hour, I should be snugged nicely in bed but I am trapped by plans for the future, in fact, this week.

Today is supposedly, Tuesday/Wednesday and within a few hours time I have decided to buy something that I want. Hope it goes well. And attend a meeting, hope that goes well too and meet someone else and shop more yeah, fun Wednesday huh.
GOT to remember to make a phone call too!

The question and dilemma lies with Thursday. I've got a celebration going on in the day then at night well, I've got 2 concurrent events: An art exhibition and a planned shopping trip. Well I wish I could go for both somehow, it doesn't seem like fate is going to let me but I am really flexible about both. Like I could bend my shopping trip and go for the exhibition. Hmm.... I don't know, I'm lost.

Friday's a fantastic day too. Work and then worship or cellgroup? I think I know which. But ah well, me is still thinking I guess.

Saturday I am free totally but I think I am going to fill it up with work most definitely!

Sunday's the usual I presume.

Well yes, that's about it.

Booooo! :D!

2010-10-03T02:25:00.002+08:00

Hello oh demoted one. Haha. I'm listening to "angel" by Sarah McLachlan.

Well, I'm kinda of er confused about work. Really. I happen to do the most extraordinary things at work. In fact, they are so extraordinary, I have nothing to say.

It's weird because one minute, I'm a total bitch and PMS about it. The next, I'm an angel and I feel totally neutral about it. Does it make sense? That's why I said PMS, right?

Anyway about life, hmmm, my love life is a bore. Like after all the excitement it suddenly died down, where or when is the thrill going to rise up again?

I'm beginning to think about the different stages in life and I wonder where am I at. I've learnt psychology, maybe there's some developmental psychology going on. I've learnt about age and what different people at different age will think about or how or what their mentalities will be like.

I realise that I like to be out of the ordinary, I like to be different but sometimes, being too different has its backlashes. I like it though, to be the outstanding one because if every time is always the same, it is always boring to me.

But you know, there are some things in life that is really curious and you'll be amazed when you've experienced them, being something and someone in the world and society, there are some experiences that there are to die for.

We all know that, don't we? Yet, are we afraid? I don't want to be, I want to go all out to do them, that's the difference I guess. Will you be the difference with me, as well?

Work yourself to death.

2010-09-24T01:18:00.002+08:00

Helloooooooo

You know, today wasn't that bad a day. So far, I haven't been late for this new job and I love it! They pay me well, they keep me busy, they're nice and strict at the same time, they are sooo totally awesome!

My other job has great friends and pals even tho I talk to them in Chinese most of the time but I feel really cheated by them but I guess that's okay haha. The manager is really hilarious at times.

Well, my jobs seem to be going okay for me, but I hope they pay me. Soon and well. It's September already. Not sure if it's easy to keep it going during school term I'm scared. 2 jobs at once. Gaaaaah.

hehe... feel like posting!!! :D!

2010-09-20T21:28:00.002+08:00

I thought I might want to open up my diary to write in it but my diary only contains my most personal and precious thoughts so all those things that I can still handle I think I could put them here! :D

I started my first day of work at some restaurant in Paragon. Got cheated by my friend because I forgot what shoes to wear and my friend told me black and when I reached there I realised... I COULD WEAR ANY SHOES I WANT! SREE#ERR$@#!!!!

So how? 7 hours in the painful shoes lor. Omg, it was like AQ all over again. AQ more painful, cannot wear any shoes you like to wear. I hope tomorrow will be a better day. But then how leh? The environment is a little different because AQ has a lot of things to do and you must always be doing something and they pay you $6.

I got cheated. This place pays you $5.50 but unlike AQ, it's rather much relaxing in a way even though they also said the same thing that is... Keep doing something! Gaaah.

I feel so angry and cheated of. When I went there, I was told that I was paid $6 per hour same as AQ, but if you want to have an increase in your pay, you got to pass some test what the hell? It's so much better to work in the Café even though it's less stressful.

Haha, looks like I am born to serve people, be a waitress at different places... It's fun to serve people sometimes. SOMETIMES.

Anyway talking about that... Hmm I had quite a fun time on Sunday too! :D! Worship was awesome! I was singing on stage, I don't know why but Sunday I felt confident, not my usual glummy self whenever it came to worship rehearsals and practices, I think it had something to do with my employer and what she said about confidence. I realised something. I might have low self-esteem and it affects my confidence in the things I do.

I realise that believing really really encourages others. It's like what the Japanese animation said. I can't recall clearly but its advice was to believe and keep believing in others because when you do, it's seriously a great encouragement to them and I agree! It's such an awesome feeling and I could feel myself singing out to God and thanking Him and really believing in myself and all that, it's really awesome!

I feel like sometimes I can't be my real self around people or I can't really express the way I really feel but you know what, when I can, when I do it correctly and rightly and people like me for who I really am, I really feel joyful! :)!

Okay here's a bit of shameless happiness too I guess haha. Well, sometimes my negative expectations don't always come true, which is a good thing because I had so much fun during lunch on Sunday with the guys, even though it's kinda weird like I'm sitting in a table surrounded by all the guys and then and their weird talkings to each other, yes, :P. Sometimes you wonder what the heck they are talking about then you think oh well, forget it, haha.

But then thank God, I'm used to guys and have a lot of guy friends or are particularly close to them so the common games that guys play, L4D, Counterstrike, Plants Vs Zombies, so on and so forth, especially the first 2, I pretty much know about it all. So I guess I don't feel that left out.

Then there's the topic started out by one of the guys which is quite unexpected. Really! Like it's during lunch and we're in public and we are quite done with our food and you'll never guess the topic, it was about.... Periods. Lol, I know it's one of the guy's taboo topic which makes it seriously hilarious. I am quite open about this topic since, I've been approached by a lot of guys since I am close to guys so my guy friends would ask me but I felt a bit embarrassed to be completely open with them, on one hand, I thought it's okay to be because it's just educational on the other hand, I felt like it's personal, they don't need to know haha.

But then again because other guys have asked me before, I answered all the questions to the best of my ability. It's usually easier if they all shut up and let me answer the questions but the guys kept butting in. Lol it was kind of funny and annoying and I can't answer the questions. A bit like argh, do you want me to answer it or not?

Lol, then we went to the Youth Room, haven't been there for like ages haha. Always going off somewhere lol. Well the guys had to go, 2 went for service, one don't know where, home? And I didn't feel like going home so I hung around. One of them was still in church so I waited for that one. I thought I was going to be disappointed but I wasn't! And then I managed to have a good close talk with my one of my sister too! So cheers! :D! YAAAYY! I couldn't have quite a better week so really,

THANK GOD FOR EVERYTHING! CHEERS! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D!!!

Cool, calm and collected. :)

2010-09-16T20:44:00.002+08:00

These words caress my brain right now: Gentle, calm, serene, shy, quiet and humble.

I guess sometimes when the mood has strike me right, I feel myself sinking into these characteristics. And why should I not shrink into these characteristics? They're pretty much more well received than the rest of my other moods, aren't they? :P

But then I realise something else about me, I am a contradiction sometimes. I am strong on the outside but weak and crumble on the inside but maybe because of pride, I force myself to stand on 2 of my good feet. The worst thing is that maybe sometimes I exert my insecurities on others. Do I really realise it? I guess I realise it all the time. But in so many ways that I do not like peer pressure, I find myself in a position at its mercy.

Being a student of Sociology, we learn about how the environment affects us. How we like to adapt. As well as being a student of Psychology, the mind is almost like an impenetrable fortress. Only you control what is in your head while the gates are your mouth. I find myself at a position of not bothering how people ignore me but when they turn their attention on me, I tend to crave for this continual wave of attention to be there for as long as possible.

It's really tough, to want 2 sides of the coin but then I always put myself at a neutral standing, it's not very comfortable but at least, I feel the most comfortable. It's pretty much the same for human relations. People always think that being a social science student naturally dictates your good social skills. And often people do come up to me and tell me I have good social skills but I am really doubtful about that. I feel inept.

Sometimes I wish that there is a mirror in front of you all the time at least then you'll be able to tell if you are embarrassing yourself or something. HEE! :P!

Sigh, I feel like such a big loser.

2010-09-07T00:00:00.002+08:00

I wish you were reading this.
I wish I could tell you how I feel.
I feel so confused and lost inside.
I don't really know what I really want.
My hormones are raging out of control.
I really want to tell you how I feel inside.
Sometimes I'm dying to make all the first moves.
But at the same time, I feel so torn to do so or come to a decision.
Because I don't want history to repeat itself.
So I stand aside, wary of what steps I may take.
It has been said before that not making a move is sometimes making a move.
For me, I'm like the king checkmated.
I don't know which square I should step on.
Will you tell me and help me find my way to safety?

The last plead.

2010-09-02T12:03:00.002+08:00

Okay I lied, but like you care, right?

I gotta tell you something random, I have my own personal diary and I also have an online blog. But the thing is, I hardly ever tell you stuff here because I think it's a trouble to come all the way up here to tell you how I feel. But if it's my personal diary, it's easy, all I gotta do is grab it from my desk, in fact it's right beside my lappy as I am typing this and just penned it all down.

I am really scared and nervous in the past few weeks, days go pass by me like seconds, the sun rises and then sets.

I think sometimes the days are very long and sometimes, I lose track of time.

I am fearful as to what is ahead. I don't think I have enough motivation for some things. I don't think I have enough belief for others.

I feel lonely most of the time but I am not complaining somehow I feel like I could get used to this loneliness. I feel at peace, calm at this point. But I know the calmness of the storm will pass and it is there that I need the courage, the strength of friends and people to just let me know that they are there with me, that I have them everywhere I go.

I beseech God for courage, for inspiration and also to all my friends, that we stand united and we support each other, that we will always have a tower and a pillar or strength that we find within each other and within God.

I rest my fate in your hands in fact in my own hands and all of the hands of my friends. Each one of you are all very dear to me, if only there was some way of letting all of you know.

Cheers. :)

Heyyo people of the world... :)

2010-08-25T01:14:00.002+08:00

Never exactly thought I'd be back here again but oh well, here I am. :)

You know today I had one of the nicest days with one of my friends as usual, she's a girl by the way, and I like to call her Vir. So Vir and I, we had this nice plan to study at the airport. Ain our first and ain our last I hope. :P

So anyway Vir and I, we were having a blast at the airport studying and she kept her eye out for dudes in the police and army dos. It was kinda funny in a way, I know what she was really thinking about.. :) She's so readable sometimes. Haha. :P

We shifted to another table to study for a bit and then suddenly something happened, it has only been our 2nd time studying at the airport at the same place and then we were asked to leave, but I guess we knew why, there was an influx of people studying at the place where we were studying, argh, so being nice and considerate people, we left.

We went somewhere else to study instead only to be... Well, I wasn't distracted, she was! :P! Really though, she's distracted very easily haha, that's why she noticed the uniform dudes and I didn't. :P so well we had this conversation about going to other countries, we saw the flights and such, we saw the different races guys, she said Caucasian guys were hot, they are, not arguing about that :P

I guess I've made up my mind about something after today, the conversation with Vir and all the things we talked about today. I felt like I really bonded with what I wanted to do in life, besides travelling, I guess I would like it too if I were also given a shot at some of my other dreams that I want. I feel like I am torn between what I really want sometimes. Hmmm, but then we've got something else cleared out, huh?

Love, a complicated puzzle, will I ever solve you?

Cheers, the Duck.

Sigh... Politics, huh?

2010-07-22T23:01:00.002+08:00

Heyya. You know I was just thinking about today.
Or also about the past. I was just thinking.
I think my personality is the peace-loving sort.

I don't really wish to hate anyone for the rest of my life.
And I can't really live in peace if I'd have to hate someone for the rest of my life.

And so today you know when I felt like I just found myself plunged into real life politics.
It wasn't just the typical playground bullying sort of politics that I do in debates anymore. This time it was real-life in action you know?

Not just US trying to kick Israel's ass or punish Afghanistan sort of thing... It was real life, people that I know or don't really know or are friends and acquaintances with... They seem to be the countries 'fighting'.

It was weird because in a way, I sort of felt like Singapore. Ironic. I am not Singapore haha but I felt like Swizterland and Canada.

I was part of it too, but like I told you I wasn't exactly the hating sort and I think even if there was someone like that, I think I'd bite my lips and get on with life. Try not to get personal. Hating the person, takes a lot of energy and time and it's really sucky. Not nice to live with such a grudge or so... So yeah I guess.

ANYWAY, I JUST THOUGHT THIS SONG MIGHT BE NICE ENOUGH TO CHEER THE DAY UP AGAIN.

Like the name says, we should SMILE more often! :D!

Argh, picking out a theory for my "client" and procrastinating about Finance....

Omg here goes......

Heh, I'm actually thinking of doing a bachelor degree in Business and Psychology, is there such a thing? I remember seeing it somewhere, I hope it's not in my daydreams oh misery oh misery.

DDD:

WAIT! :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD! :P!

I NEVER WANNA LET YOU OUTTA MY SIGHT EVA AGAIN!

2010-07-17T23:33:00.001+08:00

Heeeeeeeeeeeey!

I found it! :D!

Does this song sound familiar to you? :D:D:D!

I always thought it says "Do up!" HAHAHA!

ENJOY!

Really Very Unhappy.

2010-07-13T00:22:00.001+08:00

Lol, here goes the emo post....

yeah just cried. Why? Because I felt that love is cruel.

Why do I love and feel so much for someone who doesn't seem to care a shit about me? It's like loving the pillar or the wall or a block of thing. There's nothing else to it.

I cried because I felt so upset. Because I love this thing, this block of wood, I've let go of other things that really touch and warm my heart. Those sweet things and I feel so guilty because I do return them and I do love them with all my heart but I cannot do anything about it. Because my heart is already sent away to somewhere else. So what can I do? But mourn? But be sad and cry my heart out til I'm satisfied. I'm so sorry I like you too, I wish you still feel the same way. I am utterly and totally depressed.

I wish you can save me like you did before. Your love, it's your love that gives me hope.

I don't know who reads my blog anymore...

2010-07-11T22:55:00.002+08:00

But at least I get some privacy....

I am listening to this song.... If you click the link below, you'd know.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=90e8ryPDKWo

It's a song by Leann Rimes. And I just read the description and there were comments about the video from some guy or something.

What he said kind of offended me, well it's kinda true though about the gender bias.

He said stuff like he lost his respect for Leann Rimes because she cheated on her husband, to a large extent, I agree with him but I felt a little bit like he was a bit too unfair on her... before you jump on me, hear me out first.

I agree that when you marry someone, you love him, you give yourself to him. And yes, because it's marriage, you shouldn't cheat to a very large extent of it. It's criminatory.

But yes, it seems to be mostly her fault, but it does still involve her husband. But the fact that he compared it with Tiger Woods and Jesse James was a bit too much. Tiger Woods slept around, he was like a womaniser, wasn't he? He was married and wow. Even worst than Leann Rimes, isn't it? So yeah. A bit not too fair a comparison. But I can understand his point about the media jumping to the men, I just think they jump to the men because well seriously, theirs was worst than Leann Rimes.... So yeah. Just a bit of my thoughts and reflections into this matter.

I am not biased, I am giving it my most objective view, she is an awesome singer but I am looking at it as though she is any other normal human being.

Cheers. :)

Top Three stuck in my head... :/

2010-07-10T01:28:00.002+08:00

Hi Guys. :).

Lol, not sure who comes to read my blog anymore.

Anyway I've got 3 songs stuck in my head recently and also for quite a long time..

I'll put the lyrics in as well...

ENJOY! :D!!!!

SONG #1: Penny Tai - Ni yao de ai

雖然經常夢見你
Sui ran jing chang meng jian ni
Although I dream of you frequently
還是毫無頭緒
Hai shi hao wu tou xu
I still have no idea how to begin
外面正在下著雨
Wai mian zheng zai xia zhe yu
It's raining outside
今天是星期幾
Jin tian shi xing qi ji
What day is it today?
But I don't know 你去那裡
But I don't know ni qu na li
But I don't know where you've gone

雖然不曾懷疑你
Sui ran bu ceng huai yi ni
Although I've never doubted you
還是忐忑不定
Hai shi tan te bu ding
I still feel unsure, uneasy
誰是你的那個唯一
Shei shi ni de na ge wei yi
Who is your one and only?
原諒我懷疑自己
Yuan liang wo huai yi zi ji
Forgive me for my self-doubt

Chorus:
我明白
Wo ming bai
I know
我要的愛
Wo yao de ai
The love I want
會把我寵壞
Hui ba wo chong huai
Would spoil me
像一個小孩
Xiang yi ge xiao hai
Like a child
只懂在你懷裡壞
Zhi dong zai ni huai li huai
I only know to be bad in your arms

你要的愛
Ni yao de ai
The love you want
不只是依賴
Bu zhi shi yi lai
Would not just rely
要像個大男孩
Yao xiang ge da nan hai
Wanna be just like a big boy
風吹又日曬
Feng chui you ri shai
Feel the wind blow and the heat of the sun
生活自由自在
Sheng huo zi you zi zai
Your life unrestrained and carefree

SONG #2: Harlem Yu - Qing Fei De Yi

It's hard to forget The first time I met you
Those mesmerizing pair of eyes
In my mind
The thoughts of you
Cannot be erased
When I hold your hand and feel your warmth
It's really too much for me to handle
Your innocence
I would like to treasure When I see you suffering
I will feel sad Oh...

Just afraid I will fall in love with you
Dare not let myself be too close to you
Afraid I’ve got nothing to offer you
To love you may require a lot of courage too

Just afraid I will fall in love with you
Maybe one day I wouldn't be able to control myself
from falling in love with you
Thinking of you only hurts myself
I just can't help falling in love with you

What’s the reason Ya…
That I meet you again
I really really don’t wish to
Fall into the love trap like this Oh...

SONG #3: Gorillaz - Shoe Shine RRREEEMMIIIIXXX
(I SO TOTALLY LOVE THE REMIX VERSION! But the non-remix one ain all that bad! :))

It's the music that we choose
It's the music that we choose
It's the music that we choose
It's the music that we choose (dayay it's the)
It's the music that we choose
It's the music that we choose
It's the music that we choose
It's the music that we choose

The world is spinning too fast
I'm buying lead Nike shoes
to keep myself teathered
to the days I tried to lose (dayay it's the)
My momma said to slow down
You must make your own shoes
stop dancing to the music
Of Gorillaz in a happy mood (dayay it's the)

Keepin' my groove on
They do the bump (it's the music that we choose)
They do the bump (It's the music that we choose)
They do the bump (It's the music that we choose)
They do the bump (It's the music that we choose) (dayay it's the)
They do the bump (it's the music that we choose)
They do the bump (it's the music that we choose)
They do the bump (it's the music that we choose)
They do the bump (it's the music that we choose) (Here you go)

Get the cool (na-nana-na na na)
Get the cool shoe shine (na-nana-na)
Get the cool (na-nana-na na na)
get the cool shoe shine (na-nana-na)
get the cool (na-nana-na na na)
get the cool shoe shine (na-nana-na)
get the cool (na-nana-na na na)
get the cool shoe shine (na-nana-na)

There's a monkey in the jungle
Watching a vapour trail
Caught up in the conflict
between his brain and his tail (dayay it's the)
And If it's time's elimination
We've got nothing to lose
Please repeat the message
It's the music that we choose (dayay it's the)

Keep a mild groove on
They do the bump (it's the music that we choose)
They do the bump (It's the music that we choose)
They do the bump (It's the music that we choose)
They do the bump (It's the music that we choose) (dayay it's the)
They do the bump (it's the music that we choose)
They do the bump (it's the music that we choose)
They do the bump (it's the music that we choose)
(it's the music that we choose)

Get the cool (na-nana-na na na)
Get the cool shoe shine (na-nana-na)
Get the cool (na-nana-na na na)
get the cool shoe shine (na-nana-na)
get the cool (na-nana-na na na)
get the cool shoe shine (na-nana-na)
get the cool (na-nana-na na na)
get the cool shoe shine (na-nana-na)

They do the bump
They do the bump
They do the bump
They do the bump (dayay it's the)
They do the bump (it's the music that we choose)
They do the bump (it's the music that we choose)
They do the bump (it's the music that we choose)
They do the bump (it's the music that we choose)(keepin our groove on)
Ok bring it down yeah we gonna break out

Get the cool (na-nana-na na na)
Get the cool shoe shine (na-nana-na)
Get the cool (na-nana-na na na)
get the cool shoe shine (na-nana-na)
get the cool (na-nana-na na na)
get the cool shoe shine (na-nana-na)
get the cool (na-nana-na na na)
get the cool shoe shine (na-nana-na)
Get the cool (na-nana-na na na)

[repeat x2]
Get the cool shoe shine (na-nana-na)It's the music that we choose
Get the cool (na-nana-na na na)It's the music that we choose
Get the cool shoe shine (na-nana-na)It's the music that we choose
Get the cool (na-nana-na na na)It's the music that we choose
Get the cool shoe shine (na-nana-na)It's the music that we choose
Get the cool (na-nana-na na na)It's the music that we choose
Get the cool shoe shine (na-nana-na)It's the music that we choose

I hope you love the songs! :)

I realised something. I don't really like mainstream music. I like others, indie, alternative rock. Music that's different, you know? I usually listen to pop songs, rock, ahhh um, anything that's cool for my ears :)

Anyways, still got essays to write and going to interview older people tomorrow! Yes, school/project. Loves! :)!

Imaginatory

2010-05-27T23:55:00.002+08:00

Today seems a little of a breeze. I remember sitting in Sociology of Work tutorial class wondering what happens if men and women switch roles. Like men having so many wives, what happens if the women have a lot of husbands? I think I'd like that. :P

Today on my journey home, it was serenity, calmness and peace. I don't know why but the past few days, I have been feeling really lost and stress-free. It is so ironic. I have insufficient time to study yet I am at peace. My CDS teacher wants to have lessons during MidSem week. I thought about whether I would go or not go for class, whether I'd pass up my assignment and leave, I still can't make up my mind.

Today as I sat in the bus, I just thought about what I have learnt in my course especially in Sociology of Work. How true is it. We stress over paperwork. We stress over little meaningless numbers and letters to predict our future. We are all trapped and locked in this bureaucratic world behind the desk.

Motivated by economic benefits. Money, status, class, respect, materialism. I was just thinking a few days back about some guys who made really insensitive comments about my dressing. Just because I don't wear what the normal typical teenage girls wear, doesn't mean I'm weird or anything.

I have always been a warrior reigning over peer pressure. I love originality and individuality a little too much. But nevertheless, I never want to conform. Even if I do it is because of reasons like benefits or I want to achieve something. Other than that, I won't do it out of nothing.

So just thinking about my life today I know I have said all the stuff about the bureaucratic crap but then I think that after this little moment in my life,

IN THE END, I WILL STILL RUSH AND STRESS OVER MY WORKLOAD AND MIDSEMS! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Okay yes, I was taking a break from the tonal ranges, they're driving me up the wall!

Oh and another thing, I was just thinking, when someone asks me a question about my love life. I get the image that I am standing near a lamppost. The light is bright, in fact it's the only light source. I see a long snaky path into the darkness, yet I am still standing next to the lamppost I look up at it. I see that all around me is a blanket of darkness. That's how my love life feels like. I am alone, standing and am lost. Occasionally, a bird flies around to where I stand, the light source of the lamppost has attracted its attention. It does hang around and stay around. But not for long. The bird does return occasionally, but flies away every now and then. Sometimes, I see a bench appearing beside the lamppost and I would sit on it and still look at the light light from the lamppost.

Only at last when a miracle has happened, I woke up from my bench and see that along the snaky path, that there is another lamppost and far in the distance, another one and another one and so on... It attempts me to leave my current lamppost. But I feel afraid to. As I walk down the snaky path, I keep looking back to where I started from, looking at that very same lamppost... And then before I knew it, my feet just kept walking and moving ahead.

The End.

Disgusting.

2010-04-29T23:13:00.002+08:00

Lol, why am I always so busy nowadays?

Heyya. Not a very big great response coming out from the new blogskin and previous entry... Maybe you guys take time to react. But please, the tagboard's here now. At the moment.

Well, I made that first comment there because well, now that the ICIP is over... I could get used to it, if it was school, free food, nice ballroom for lectures, dress formal everyday, 10 minutes from my house, it was heaven. And it's hotel food! It so happens that Friday, we've got a whole packed day til 6pm. The make up lectures... argh... then rehearsals at night and going Timber too I think crap.

Saturday is another rehearsal and going out to spend time with someone.
Sunday is the performance, hopefully I remembered everything.

Then Monday school resumes. It could be cute, with so much happening. Could be.

I'm not sure who's going to read this but I'm just going to state some of what I'm feeling inside of me. What I feel is like a cauldron of water stirring continuously. I think and feel about some things and I am confused at others. I don't really know what I want but I care about everything and anything. Well yea it has to do with love. I don't want to care about it, I really don't but I do.

Lol, when people ask if I'm attached or whether I have a boyfriend, I don't know what to say... To say yes is like... Really? I will ask myself. To say No.... Well, I think I'd always make use with that answer or even better I'll be asking Why? or Don't answer or I don't know. I'd use those too. I feel so lost and empty but I don't feel sad or anything. I feel emotionless somehow. Not afraid, not thinking. Just quiet, mindful and alert. I kinda like that. I like it when it's quiet too. It's peaceful. :)

Don't think I have a lot to say other than OH MY GOSH. I've got songs to learn! And school tomorrow! RAWR! Bye? :)

New blogskin! :)

2010-04-25T03:17:00.012+08:00

HEY PEOPLE!
I have changed my blogskin as you can see! :D!

And, YES, IT'S 3.18AM!

Haha, the only problem with this new skin is.. press the blue colour post it and you can see the title of my post. Dunno why like that but it's like that. :/

I've had a blast from the week that I reported to you :)
I have church tomorrow and yeah well I am going to sleep :D.
I hope you like the skin!
And I got a new tagboard!

Please tag the tagboard!

THANKS!

My Life Is Beautiful. :)

2010-04-20T15:23:00.002+08:00

Hello folks.

In contrast to MLIA. This is the post that I have. :)
Hahaha, it really is good and I am going to show all sorts of appreciations here in this very post. I am also still going to change my blogskin, just being choosy and looking out for more choices and options. So... Let's get it on...

Well, I ended Year 1, or Semester 1.2 with a bit of a bang. No As and No Cs but only one Alphabet in my grade, B. Lol, I figured what was wrong already. I didn't do all that well in my test and exams but slog my guts out at the projects perhaps? :)

Like I always say, 2 heads are better than 1. So is 3 or 4 or etc etc versus 1 head.

A surprise email came through during the holidays, saying that my project got picked to represent at a conference. Not just any conference my teacher says. It's the ICIP I think... Lemme google it. :P I only know the words, ''Intergenerational'' and ''International'' and ''Conference'' are in it.

This link will give you more information:
http://www.humanresourcesonline.net/node/1433

Yup so anyway, came back to school during the holidays along with Debates and Debate Competitions. :D. And as you can see, 26th April to 29th April, are the days in which the conference is held. During those days, I have no school! :) I know I'm suppose to be happy but I reacted like this: What?! No School!!! Are there important lectures? What about the lessons?! Yes, I'm a nerd, can I say I'm proud to be one? :P

It's so freaking awesome! :)

And I have had so so so much fun during the holidays before school started, I had my friends over and that's a miracle. Yeah. :) I had so much fun with them! Played Charades and all that :) Had Fusion :D And went back to church again on Sunday! :D

Monday which was yesterday school restarted and because they said first week no business tutorials so Monday was 10am to 3pm and we're free to go home! Of course I had debates. Then Tuesday I only had a 2pm to 4pm business tutorial in which there's no tutorial so NO SCHOOL ON TUESDAY which is TODAY! :D! Wednesday, I have freehand drawing from 2pm to 5pm. 3 freaking hours and before that I have a Sociology tutorial. Not too bad but I also have a Debate test on Wednesday oh my gosh.

Thursday is completely packed. Lessons from 9am all the way to 2pm, no breaks, nothing in between, it's called the "STOCK UP FOOD DAY". Then 2hours of Gender tutorial. -.-

Friday is the best 3 hours of Finance and I have to go attend to my CCA booth! :D!
And attend a party at night with the theme "Fantasy". It IS SOOOO FUN the way the debaters were going on about the theme. They wanted to dress according to someone's fantasy. Because it's one of the senior debater's birthday so they were like Let's dress up according to his fantasy! And what's his fantasy? Hmm the usual big boobs and big butt xDDD. And one of my friends said she wanted to dress as a birthday cake, there was silence then someone asked, Are you dressing according to your boyfriend's fantasy? xDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.

YUP! And then on Saturday, there's orientation for my CCA and another party at night, 5pm with the theme "Casino Royale" oh shit. Vic said no need to wear Make up, how wrong. They say dress like you are going to a wedding, means like Prom all over again, the hair, the face, the dress, the shoes, the heels, the bag. Oh my gosh. Well yeah that's pretty much the fun-ness of it all. Then after all the drinking and booze on both nights, going to church on Sunday like an angel.... Talking about angel, maybe Friday night I was one too :P I don't know yet but that's pretty much what's going to happen.

I have all my future planned out for me already, just going to go for the ride. :)
Good news, I received that there's no test on Wednesday but then next week Monday's gonna be hell. Wonder how we're gonna have time to study for it or for the matter of fact, me.

Well, my future awaits me and I am happy to receive it into my hands, wish-me-luck. And thank God for everything! :) AMEN. Ciao sweets. :)

heyyo

2010-04-14T01:14:00.002+08:00

hey guys, sorry I took my tagboard away. I said no more advertisements or it's going to go away and well, they still put advertisements, so, IT'S GONE!

Hmmm, probably gonna get one soon or something.

Anyway, I feel so weird now. It's on this whole thing called Love. How do you know you're in it and how do you get out of it? Well I thought I'm really good at dealing with this whole love shit. I know who I love and who I want to be with and all, I can deal with that.

But it's the friends part that I'm really worried about. :/
I hang out with a bunch of friends weekly. I was told that one of my social circles, had lots of screwed up messed up people in it. LOL, I was just thinking if I was one of them. So anyway um.

I was just thinking what's up with me. Do I like someone else suddenly? And how do I know if it's like or some kind of love? Why can't I tell it apart? I know I care about the person. Somehow maybe it's the adverse effect kind of thing. Because all I know is that the person is very um how do you say? Mysterious? Secretive?

I know he's a deep thinker like the things he says, lol, he's a bit like me I guess. I was told that when I speak people keep quiet like I bring about silences. So does this person. So cool right? I finally found something in common with this guy. Except he's really keeping to himself a lot. I sort of feel like I've found some kind of a comrade...

And and recently, it's like I can empathise totally with what he's going through. What I want to do however, is I want to be able to talk to this person normally. It's like this person, not that he can't talk normally, it's just, he's not a talker. So...

How do you get close to someone who's very much alone, he doesn't talk, he likes to be alone, he likes to do his own things....?
It's so weird. I think I'm going mad. Can't even read the politics stuff properly because I keep getting distracted. Oh what should I do? I feel crazier by the minute.

Reminds me of the song Crazy by Britney Spears, really old song. LOL.

Hmm but I really want to be good friends with this person. That's what I know I want to do. Be able to talk to him like a normal friend would. Communicate smoothly. He talks very fast and very short. It's almost like he doesn't want to talk and wants to get things over and done with quickly....

Sigh, Need to stop thinking so much, I'm crazy already. Duckie. OUT.

LITTLE ENTRY!

2010-04-06T12:07:00.002+08:00

Hey guys I'm thinking of changing my blogskin again maybe, gonna post the links of the skins here. Have fun taking a look then maybe tell me which one is the nicest or DON'T CHANGE AT ALL! :D!

I LIKE THIS ONE: http://www.blogskins.com/apply.php?sid=313096&action=Preview

Not too bad, it's cute: http://www.blogskins.com/apply.php?sid=323664&action=Preview

That's the 2 for now. See you around! :)

No Action Talk Only.

2010-04-05T16:59:00.002+08:00

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet." ~ Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.

Lol. Heyya was just reading this article: http://www.economist.com/world/europe/displayStory.cfm?story_id=15766873&source=most_commented

on the economist dot com. It's quite funny, all the naming abbreviations. Haha. Reminds me of the Chicken&Duck debate yesterday. It really was like a Chicken and Duck. Well, the article looks fun and all right? In a third person's perspective view.

Well well well, so what to blog about? I don't really know. It's just well, I've had quite a nice time so far the week and all. Sounds pretty eventful with the things that I'd be doing. Haha. I see that I have already told you about Dorothy Cheung. :)

Hmm, I think I'll forget about the whole week once the weekend is here, tend to forget the past like how I already had an eventful week. So anyway about SMU Debate, oh the usual, dodgy adjudicating... But you know what, I think it happens the biasedness and all that. The SMU Debate tournament is not too bad, I broke through to the finals again, somehow. It was weird. On both accounts, it's like they hesitate to put me into the breaking finals.... Always like that, like some mistake.

It could be luck always people dropping out of the rounds after knowing they can break? Hahaha. But you know after some of all these competitions right? I just realised some stuff. Like how SMU, is in the middle of orchard road, there's a straight bus there from my bus and it has very nice building and classrooms and all. But it's really very confusing looking at the maps and running here and there.

NTU, it's big, it's like some big secondary school like that, with a lot of classrooms and such, it creates a kind of JC atmosphere, but the benches along the lifts there have beautiful scenaries. But it's so far away seriously. Jurong. So convenient to travel to and fro. And also, Bukit Timah NUS. NUS is far away but then er, the one in Bukit Timah, there's also a straight bus back. It passes by Leroy's school too!

I can't really imagine myself going to University. I've thought about it a lot like how I want to graduate from there. And parents telling me not to study overseas. And I do think about studying overseas sometimes, it's like what they say, when people see Oh this person from overseas wann! Then they'll want to hire you because you've got experience or something like that. So yeah.

Okay so about the SMU Debate, it was happening I must say, but congrats to one of my teammies! Beanie! :)! It's her last year at TP and it's great, she was an adj all the way til the end of the debate tournament! Well done, Beanie! At least it's not so bad, like what she said, it's a consolation prize for her. I know how she feels. If it was me. Well, right now I'm in my first year and I'm going to my next. I sort of only got 2 more years for it. Is it a big meaning if after one year, I already can break into the finals because of being an adj? What about debating?

I started off well and was improving. What about now? What's happened to me now? If there's one thing I realise and am worried about. I'm fickled minded at times. I can be serious about it too. But I think what I lack is the will and the strength to go on and carry on. It's something I really lack and need and want to have, I need to have a passion for it. I think I need people to trust in me too, to believe me and give me moral support. I feel so selfish for wanting it and not giving it to others.

But I must tell you this. In a way, I still do treat people how I want to be treated but of course they can't see it. And I don't act very well by it. Because of the simple reason how we are all so caught up in life. Activities, things we want to do. But at the end of the day, when we actually do sit down and think about it. The important people will come into my minds. The people who matter most in our lives, somehow we'll start reflecting and thinking about them and all that.

So maybe Aji was right in a way when he says we don't need or want it enough. It needs to be a need. I need it kind of thing not I want it. It's like a driving passion that must keep going and going and going. I can go, I tell you that. I can. But only if I go knowing what to expect, what to do, how to do it. The trouble is perseverance too. Maurice gave me a logic of how to carry it on.

It's not a dead passion, I won't let it be a dead passion. I'll start a new, refreshed. Reborn. It's a momentum that must go on.

Sigh, I feel so mixed up now. I still haven't told you about the tournament hahahas. But then I have to go, I don't have enough time to tell you that.
But I'll tell you one thing. I need strength, I need encouragement. So do you.
So then what are we waiting for?

Let's starting helping and encouraging people.
Don't wait for someone else to start, you start it instead.
I'm going to, are you? :)

Let's not be NATO. Let's be AA! (Affirmative Action!) :D!

Bye! Love ya! :)

Dearest Diary.....

2010-03-31T00:14:00.002+08:00

I feel so emotionless now. I like it. :)

I don't feel angry at Leroy or anyone else. I don't find any or a reason to be angry. I just feel like I got the inner peace in me, which is really cool. Like someone has prayed for me. THANK YOU, whoever you are! God Bless You too! :)

And when I look back and ask some fundamental questions....
Well, I consider and think myself to be single. I do go on dates with guys. Or it depends on how the guys see it. Of course, most of them classifies it under dates, for me well, I go on Girlfriend dates but they are not like the usual dates we like to think of the romantic kind of dates.

Because for me it's more like I need companion that's why. It's more like company than dates. Like just hanging out with friends, finding things to do. I never see it romantically or whatsoever. And well sometimes you guys know how much I like to talk, just have moments in which I spill all my thoughts into.

I was telling my diary about it the other day. But I was so out of focus of writing in it, so disappointing. I usually pen down my very thoughts that I feel so strongly for. Even now though I am not exactly penning it down on my personal diary.

So what's up with my life? Well recently I missed service and went for a debates tournament called Dorothy Cheung. It was fun. I was adjudicating. And at times, I was Chair. In fact, first round Chair and the only adjudicator in the room, second round panelist, third round Chair and 4th round Chair again I think. Then I got news that I didn't break and got a bit numb or upset, went to make a couple of phone calls only to find out I broke into the quarter finals then that's it. Haha. Oh yeah to make it a little not so exciting. I adjed the JC/Sec school rooms. Not too impressive I feel. There was a major lack of explanation. :/

But anyway I was happy actually that I didn't break into the semi-finals because there was a really exciting match going on. Seniors VS the Coachers' team! Guess who won! Lol! I was bookie for awhile, haha, asking people to place bets on who will win. Won't tell you who. No fun to. :D. But it was so exciting!

There were some fun shots thrown in the room. One of which is my favourite because my coach was up there making his speech and before he began his argument he said he had something he needed to get out of his system. He said that he wasted 3 years of his life training those 3 guys on the Gov side and he is really disappointed. With that, one of the guys from the gov side stood up and POIed him saying "Coach!" and the whole room burst into laughter once again. It was too funny. I'll never forget it.

The amazing brilliance. I think the TP Debates is really a fun CCA to be in. We have our moments and too much fun at the tournaments. Bonding and all. I love it there and I don't think I'll ever want to quit :P.

It teaches me to be more open minded too. Accept things easier, think deeper and further and analyse ideas and everything. It's too insightful sometimes I get lost. Well but quite disappointing I am going to miss Easter service this coming Sunday. But I am however not going to miss Good Friday. I will remember the day in which our Lord Jesus Christ died on the cross for us/me and rose again. It will be beautiful days. :)

SMU debate tournament, I await you. :)

I'M ALIVE!

2010-03-19T01:23:00.002+08:00

HELLLOOOOOOOOO

Er I was told to update. And update I shall. :)

What to say?

It's the holidays!

Things that I did do during the holidays. I worked. I went for debates.
I wanted to go watch a movie in which I think I did. Percy Jackson&the Lightning Thief.
Looking forward to Alice in Wonderland and some other movie. :)

Last week was more happening than this week though.
Last week there was this debate tournament held for Applied Science School.
Also, last week, I was sick, if I remember correctly, it was due to my consumption of a multi-vitamin!

How awkward is that! Multi-vitamins are meant for you to avoid getting sick! I get sick because I ate one. Multi-vitamins are heaty! Did you know that?
Then got sick and I also got bruises. It was ironic seriously last week.
I was grounded but I went for debates training and my lecturer's farewell party.
My lecturer lives in Sembawang facing the ocean! Wow! 4 storeys high and there's an escalator! And only his mama and him and maid in the house! WOW!
That was how happening last week was.

And oh yeah, last week was also IT fair. Omg. Lucky never go there lol. But at least I went out with the usual and I met Leroy! Leroy looks so cute with his nose :D!

Well, this week is coming to an end, it wasn't all that exciting, I really need to find stuff to do. Like get a job, get a life, do some things that are worth doing.

Here's what's on my current to-do list:
Tomorrow I'm going out to see the Sentosa World for the first time, I need to return my library books too, at Bugis. And I need to go for rehearsals after that, I'm sure the songs are fine.

Saturday I am going out again, lol, sounds a bit pointless Saturday but I'm hoping it'll be productive or at least maybe I'll catch a movie or something else.

Sunday would be Church duh hahaha.

Then I'd have to prepare a speech. I'd have to dedicate myself to more plans to do stuff. PACKING.

Yes, I totally forgot about packing but I hate packing, all the dirt and the dust and the AIYA Do I throw this away? Lol.

I'm yawning now. Guess I'm tired lol it's almost 2am or getting there, I should sleep and ahhh Sleep, I shall? :)

I updated. Don't complain. :)

Love, the DUCK.

ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTIONS.

2010-02-25T21:31:00.002+08:00

Hey guys! EXAMS ARE FINNALLYYY OVEERR!!!! YES YES YES! :D!

Anyway everyone's being asking me what I WANT for my birthday.... Hmmm and I was thinking about what I WANT but I think I should focus more on WHAT I NEED. So here's the differentiation, have fun :)

* is for the more important ones that I need urgently.

I WANT:
Boots
Caps, hats
Nail Polish
Clothes, fashion such
Heels
Dress

WHAT I NEED:
**New phone
***New watch with Timer and all, digital watch...
New MP3 player? Hopefully it holds 200 songs?
****I know this one CONFIRM NEED: CASIO calculator! Yes I lost my extra, only Casio I don't know how to use SHARP and I don't like SHARP.

Oh yeah and.... GUYS!
Please! NO MORE SOFT TOYS! xD! Too many already!

Other stuff I guess could be accessories:
*HAIR accessories, like black hairclips, hairbands. Preferably black please.
*Make up? Lipstick, eyeshadow, blusher dot dot dot
Sunglasses :D

Necklace
Bracelet

*****Oh yeah, I need more COLOUR markers and pens for my notes. Thanks. :D!

I Just WANNA.

2010-02-18T01:54:00.003+08:00

OH NO YOUR EYES ARE NOT FOOLING YOU!
IT'S ALMOST 2AM!

Okay so the Duck can't go to sleep. Don't worry, she downed noodles and milk, hope it's working soon. PRAY! :P! But...
Do you think it was because of the music or the stressing about the studying?

I mean think about it. She was stressed about how much she didn't do and how much she needed to do so she went to listen to music and BOOMZ! She was hung up on the music, and grooved to it, Oh no, she didn't forget her notes. How could she, they were right infront of her. Scandalous.

Well and tomorrow there is lecture yay. I can't believe I'm not tired, I had such a reckless day today, actually went out to play even though exams were coming soon, it's like I was looking at the schedule then I said SCREW YOU! And I went out to play hahaha.

Not really la, I ended up bringing my notes and I studied the last chapter for BNF. Not bad eh hahaha. But not completely. Couldn't concentrate.

But today's all in all, a happy day even now down to the last minute. I bathed 3 times in a day, twice washing my hair, once not because I just felt sticky then went to bathe :P.

Sigh, if I don't think about it, I'm a happy duck. If I don't think about my heart's desire or worries, I really am a happy girl.

Yet I must tell you, I'm in love with the songs that I was listening to when I was studying.
Daddy's music taste has improved or perhaps it's almost at my level now. We love the same songs! :D!
They are Colbie Calliat - Falling for you and Jack Johnson - Better Together! :)! So nice and always, standard of Leroy, John Mayer. Or is it Mayor haha. John Mayor I guess. :P.

The Colbie Calliat song makes me think about my heart's desire but the the song is such a happy song, I got influenced by it. Hahaha. But then well, I don't know. How do you describe it. It's like this. Very mixed up feeling. You don't see yourself with that person in the future like you don't see yourself getting married to the person but then well, you like that person's company. You long to spend time with the person because it's fun to spend time with them. You miss them when they are not around. You want to talk to them and all. Well, it's a normal kind of friendship feeling? No? Yeah, weird right?

Sigh, thinking about it, makes my mind mad. :/ (impromptu alliteration)

But basically, that's the wrap up, it's supposedly STUDY WEEK on my calender but do enjoy your 4th or 5th day of the Lunar New Year, hope you feel richer than you did 4 or 5 days ago. Hahaha! :)

DUCK OUT! :)

reflecting too much today....

2010-02-08T22:06:00.002+08:00

Hey guys. I think I am reflecting too much today. It's affecting me a lot.

Like I've lost the usual crazy ra-ra me that will chiong to do so well for the psychology online quiz that is due today. I stopped doing it and got satisfied with the results that I have gotten even though they weren't really good o.o

My exams are coming and I am not studying. Yeah something wrong with me.

I watched a show called Life Transformers 2 on channel 8 today. And I guess what I saw shocked me and my brain. I've never felt so happy and appreciative in my entire life. Really.

And then my mum she told me something about the facts of life again. Which really made me ponder... Is it true?

She said this.... Chinese men, they are always the ones you know, too much pride. Imagine a guy coming from an office job and he got retrenched or what. He won't take up jobs like cleaning, mopping or stuff, he won't. Even when the family in trouble or what, pride still very important. It's only always all the women, they dare to take up jobs, do the household chores, take care of children, it's always the women.

Realise that the men's job is actually quite simple? Go to work, work, eat, sleep, come back home from work, put the legs on the table, relax and watch tv.

What about the wife? She needs to work then what, come back home earlier to cook dinner and prepare dinner, then the fetching of kids either dad or mum does it, usually dad. Then when they all come home, mum serves the food, mum washes the dishes, what does dad do? Let me quote "put legs on the table, relax and watch tv." Then take care of the kids, coach homework, talk to the kids, the mum's better at it than the dad, no? Dad tries, attempts to or something then watch tv dont care.

Do you agree? Won't the mum be tired? And then the thing they always say is the dad would want to do what couples do on the bed and all. Poor mum, poor women.

But is it true, that Chinese men have too much pride? It's always the women, so emotionally strong, keeping the family together. Women with so much burden? I wonder, I really do.

I guess for me, I've thought about it. If I ever get married, I would make sure my husband won't be like that. For once, we would both work, share the household chores, I don't mind coming back home to cook dinner for my family but I don't know if I will have the energy. I feel happy as a mother to cook for the ones I love. As for the kids, I think it would be tedious but I guess I would want to be the closest friend ever to my kids, I want them to know that I am a mother which will want to help them as much as possible that they can share anything with me. I am like someone they look up to for help and all, a mum, best friend, like an older adult friend, that sort of role. :)

But coming back to the question, guys and girls, do you agree? Maybe the guys would be wanting to disagree almost immediately or plunge into defensive mode but guys, think about it slowly and carefully. Is it true? Then do you feel that it's right? And this whole thing about equality and all that....

I was thinking, it might not only apply to Chinese men, it could apply to all men in general. But my mum made it sound like it is Chinese men in particular. :/

I should stop thinking I guess and start studying. But leave your comments on my tagboard, it would be nice if it could be stuff like.....

Chinese male #1 or Chinese female #1 or something to identify who you are at least in terms of gender, not too much on race hahaha but just a heads up? Thanks. :)

AS PROMISED, I AM BLOGGGGGIIIINNNNG! :D!

2010-02-07T00:30:00.002+08:00

YO GUYS! WHATZZ UP!!! :D!

Hey so much happened this week I think I must say.

I fell down on Wednesday, like early in the day, don't ask how it happened, people said it was the shoe. And plus, I wasn't looking at where I was walking, it was down the stairs, from Eng sch to the audi there then I fell down. :/

It was weird, I was looking up at the sky, thinking about nothing much.. And I fell, and when I fell it was like as though I was daydreaming then I fell back on the Earth with a thud. Not a nice one to add.

Laughed for a bit at my stupidity, my friends probably thought I was insane. But ever had those moments in which you'd laugh when you fell? That was how I felt.

Then I massaged my feet make sure it was fine then oh crap. I sprained one of them, Bother. I always hurt my leg anyway. I think I have loose ankle joints too. :/ Kept on falling down.

Looks like I can't sit cross-legged anymore, if I do, I'd be like oh shit, it hurts... :/

That's #1.

Feel so blur this week, always find myself losing focus, dropping out of focus. Even with my friends, I feel so alone once again. I sort of got used to this alone thing. I feel like I like it very much, like I can just sit at one place, (hopefully it's quiet) then stare at nature and enjoy the scenery kind of thing.

I love TP. We have a reservoir! It's so pretty! :D! I like to go there and enjoy the wind. Sit on the grass usually I'm with my close friends and we'd talk or I'd do most of the talking :P.

Okay, now this one is just random.

Looks like we plunged into a relationship too fast.
You don't seem to love me, but I think I love you, it's just one big haze now.

I miss you, your loving you, your care and concern, your attempted affectionate love,
Sometimes I feel so pathetic, that all I want is love but I can't get any.

And then I'd seek it somehow, in all the wrong ways, and end up miserable.
I feel like I am always deprived. I can't look for it because I don't want to get hurt, but I long for it because it makes my life seem important.

So is my life important? I like to feel included, needed and important. Doesn't everyone?

I guess what I am trying to say and be is. I want someone to need me. To want me, to love me and I'd give my best to love the other person back with my whole heart. :)

Haha, I always joked that if Facebook could allow us to type anything in our status bar, I'd put:

"LEAVE ME ALONE. PLEASE? "

Hahahaha, not too sure about what I feel now.

Gosh, I should start to get on with my sch load!
PSY EXAM, LAW PROJ, ASR PRESENTATION, Psy presentation I'm done. Ahhhh then all the studying I suppose.

I love you my friends out there, I treasure each and every one of you.
I hope you'd treasure me too. :)

LOVE, Duckie. :) xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

OH MY GOSSSSSSSSSSSHHHH!

2010-02-02T22:02:00.002+08:00

Lol hey! Okay you know what, I am going to try to blog every now and then, whenever I can! :)

SO DON'T COMPLAIN! :D!

Okay so here's the recent headlines in my life:

1. There are people adding me on hotmail and I don't know who they are but they think I'm male and they want to chat with me and webcam with me which is something I sooo totally hate. It's not the first time neither is it the second nor third or fourth.
Can't keep on deleting them, and they refuse to tell me where they get my email from.
Could be some stupid prank or whatever but it is seriously annoying me. If you can help, please help and I will appreciate your help A LOT! Thanks. :)

2. They should ban projects. Seriously.

3. Exams should be MCQ not structured or fill in the blanks. Because you always have a choice in life that is restricted and you are never free or allowed to do whatever you want to do. And putting structured and blanks are stupid because they are cheating you by telling you that you can write whatever you want to write but seriously, they are still restricting you because they will be able to mark you correct or wrong so honestly, no point man. There's no correct or wrong in life, it's all just based on perspective and perceptions.

4. This year sucks. Got exams during birthday. Valentines Day clash with Chinese New Year. Last year Christmas still doing projects and work. This year Chinese New Year is study week so is V.Day, how to go dating if I want to go?

5. Love life: Sucks to the maximum. I feel like I'm changing and losing myself again. I want to regain the same good girl stuff and all. But I find it hard. And I guess I should try to expand my social circle but at the same time, I don't want to lose my individualistic self. I like and treasure that part of me that people find "abnormal", "weird" or "strange". To me, it's unique me! You'll never find one like that except me! :D!

6. Talk about sucking energy or energy suckers. I shall try to defeat learned helplessness! I got to! I have to be my hyper happy positive self and maintain it! I don't care if I irritate the heck out of Joel hahaha. But seriously, it's gonna help me in the long run, you know? :)

7. And they always say it's only always merely a dream if you don't try to pursue it. True? :)

Eight. Elated Eighteenth.... Not so Elated anymore. But gotta think positively! :D! YES YES YES!

9. My Psychology lecturer is the very first person whom I know when I ask, what will be the dressing for our presentations tomorrow?

Anything. :O.

Then my friend said, anything!? Then tomorrow I wear coconut and leaves?! Then he turned around and said.. Uh uh uh who said that? Who? Okay tomorrow wear arh... Don't wear minus marks.

xD!

10. I am running out of things to say. This week and next week got presentations. This week more relaxed. Next week is hectic+ psychology paper! OMG! BOOM!

11. Bye, love ya thanks for reading. :) And the passerby, please let me know who you are. Got a feeling you are from my Hotmail list. Someone. ;)

I guess this post is gonna be a little emo on my side.

2010-01-31T22:41:00.003+08:00

Well, I guess today's quite a day I must say.

I was just thinking, am I really that insecure?
One cut and a sharp blade left me an open wound that can never close?

Insecurity and doubt everywhere.
Will I ever have that confidence of opening up and knowing that I am accepted?

Then there's this whole thing about me wanting to know everything and all that.
What are you thinking Jos.
People have their own spaces. You like yours too, don't you?
Oh no, you don't have one. You don't know what's that heh.

But then I feel like I am alone all the time. Why?
I love my friends, my TP group of classmates, the girls. Yet, I feel leftout.
I am like always with friends but always so alone in the group.

Even in church, I wish I could hold up a mirror and look at myself, I see one person standing there. Do I see it? Does the mirror show me what I want to see?

Guess I can't get that image out of my mind. Is this what you get for being alone for so long? I don't know.

Even with Leroy, I feel like I am standing alone too. And if I drag him along with me, he'd be standing alone too. He can't live with that. He needs a social circle with a lot of friends. I look like I could do on my own.

Or maybe I like being in the social circles, just the company but never close to them? I wonder...

But I think I'm close enough? No? Please enlighten me.

It's like living in your ivory tower and seeing everything from the outer perspective.

Will I ever step in? Will I ever be in the circle?
Or it's just me?

Can't decide.

-

Okokok I receive your complains already....

2010-01-30T17:40:00.002+08:00

HELLO!

Hey guys, well the feeling is back, is this feeling called Burn Out?

Sigh, was supposedly studying... I have a lot of things to do but then I don't want to do them, I just want to have one superbly wild day and play hahaha!

Well I can't. I got exams soon yeah in a couple of weeks, on my birthday and for 3 days. Nice, right?

It's like I got work to do and so much things to attend to but yet I just can't keep myself tied to one corner and all, I end up doing something else, got that feeling before?

And the next thing I know is.... I am always found at the same places.
TP, Home, PL, Church. Zomg. It's like WHAT. Hahaha, and I feel so sad and sorry for Daddy because his little girl has become very boring.

I used to complain about him being not free but he's not used to being free too. He sleeps leh! What the! Then he lives with his laptop, do household chores.... What about me? Well, I study, work, play a lot, slack a lot, live everyday like it is. With tv and all. There's like no ZING! to life. So life's really boring.

But you can definitely rely on some things in life.
Like friends, forever dynamic sweet cute friends! :D! (Of course I'm referring to you sweet stuff out there, in church and in TP :D) and Daddy haha who belongs on a category all on his own. Sad thing. :P.

And yet, only about 6 people know the deep secret? Or not that deep.
This is how I'm feeling about it. I listened and listened to this song and the feeling is starting to fade away....

Kelly Clarkson: Already Gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

Already gone, already gone, already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

Sounds sad but fits almost perfectly. :/

Yeah well I do ask myself too, what's wrong with me? o.o
Maumau said it's something to do with lack in something else. Hmm...
Don't see how the other person can make up for the lack. :/

Oh yeah and compare it with this song.... It's been controversial....

Beyoncé - Halo

Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make up a sound

I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm takin'
I ain't never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light

I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't forget
To pull me back to the ground again

Feels like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
The risk that I'm takin'
I'm never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
Halo, halo

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

Contradicting right? I mean if you heard the songs, they are er well, they sound the same but then they are totally different! One's a break up song the other is a falling in love song!

Haha don't worry it's just almost from the same guy or song writer or song composer so they are absolutely fine! Plus, I love these 2 songs! But I gotta admit, Already Gone is a nice song than Halo but the person who sang Halo is a better singer than the person who sang Already Gone! :P!

OH YEAH.....
Sad Valentines Day this year?

Like seriously hahaha. I was talking to Cousin about it.
He said sad for couples and those who want to confess during Valentines Day.
People call it V.Day. :D!

So it's like visiting then what, go dating? Haha. He reasoned that we can't go visiting the whole day, which is true! Haha! :)

Well, I guess I should start hitting my butt to get some things done!
Hope I provided some interest and insight to you in this entry.
Loves~ The Duckie. :D.

What turn out to be a good day turned into a bad one.

2010-01-12T20:40:00.003+08:00

I don't understand it, for a few days now, my main email account is like this.

Anyway, it was a good day, good head start, got more than enough money, comfortable cash... It was a pretty good day too because I got a test in which I didn't really study everything but not too bad, I sort of have a bit of confidence in it, but I gotta tell you, today at least got 3 tests.

All pretty much the same subject because today only got one subject. BNF. Yur extended Food&Nutrition poured in with Biology, Chemistry and Physics. Your honeycone flavour.

Then, the notes cost $9 to print. The last test was quite a bad disaster. And now, this. But I guess I was overjoyed to find out that I can and am allowed to bring home books that I borrowed from the library. It's just every single copy of the textbook is out! Even the seventh edition, my textbook has the most recent one, ninth,then eighth then seventh!

But the ninth was totally out, eighth too and seventh only left one copy!

My school library has this section where all the textbooks are. But hey who knows you can borrow books from there :D:D So I guess not all hope is lost, that's why I am happy but now, this.

This ain my cup of tea.

I got your "one of those days" syndrome.

January the Tenth, at 17:39pm......

2010-01-10T17:39:00.004+08:00

17:40pm:
CHECKLIST
[]study for BNF test on Tuesday
[]LAW Proj
[]Online etut for stats
[]Psychology SDL
[]Debates quiz
[]stats homework tut 8, 9, some other paper
[]World Issue test/consultation on Wednesday
[]Stats test on the 12th January

17:42pm:
oh my gosh. Talk about today. Well, I haven't blogged for a really long time. I feel myself procrastinating now.
And here's something really random I like to watch the Hey Arnold! episodes on Youtube, I feel so relaxed and better.
Just a bunch of preschool kids but they are so interesting lol lol lol.

17:43pm:
Looking at my table it's freaking messy sia, it's not really my table it's like the living room table but I'm dominating it and across it, looking at my study table, it's kinda like there's nothing there on it.... And I have no idea what to do with the textbooks of last semester... Donate? They cost a freaking bomb and the notes? Do I keep them?

17:44pm:
I was at PL today for cellgroup and service, it's really random, people come late as usual then we had word first, like no worship, and the word i gave was kinda crappy no reference to the bible just all from my memory of what I remembered from being at CHC or the CHC trip yeah. Conversations and all.

Then there was duty, kept running around, today got 402 people, the new sec1s came, they are a big bunch around 3 rows or more of the seats in the auditorium, about 66 people plus?

Then I hung out with the usual people for lunch, Vic, Karmen, Joel, Janel, Jerry went for his cell lunch so it's just Joel and the galfrens... Janel was the ultimate, always getting teased regardless, she owes me $2 just like I owe my classmate 2 bucks too hahaha. She and her dory. But seriously, Janel's really funny like...

Today everyone was late for cell. Vic called up and said she'll be late. Okay. Michelle smsed halfway that she'd be late. Okay. Yi Ying no answer. Karmen, call her then she told me. Janel is the best, Janel is like.. I called her house..
"Hello? Janel please"
*fumbling around, soft voice* "Hm? Hello..?"
"Janel, what time is it?"
"10...."
"Then?"
"I.. I just woke up" or she said she was very tired...
Cell starts at 10am by the way, lol.

Sigh... But I guess the interesting part about today was that, there was this music appreciation session in which I think everyone was uhhh late. Hahaha, but it's not so bad, it's an eyeopener lol. I thought I dozed off because of the mood and atmosphere and all. Power of music, the more loud and bangings then the really slow, quiet kinds, I think I would have liked it lol if I hadn't just eaten haha.

But yeah that's pretty much the wrap up for today.

17:53pm:
Really don't feel like doing any work, I seem to always be struggling on doing work. It's driving me nuts. Lol, I'm going to be like Janel I guess!

JANEL! I LOVE YOU! :D!

That's why I keep talking about you hahahaha.

17:54pm:
End my post here, sorry for not updating for a long time, not too sure what to say hahaha. :)

I think I have lost a lot of readers. Nobody posts or says hi on my tagboard so I don't know actually XP.

You gotta me begging you for mercy.

2009-12-04T21:04:00.002+08:00

Heyyyyy! I can't believe this. I got ecxams NEXT WEEK AND I AM...

Blogging.

Yeah.

Okay, so I had this plan to study after stats lecture today. It was like what on the last part. I think no one got what the lecturer was trying to say. Anyway so after the lecture, I walked around with Huiyin, fufu and vir in my aunty clothes according to them. Gaaah. I like the shirt but yeah the bottoms was super aunty. Who cares. Haha, it's not the clothes that define who I am! :)

Anyway, so yeah I didn't join them and came home and guess what, end up I didn't study! I came home and I don't know what I did... Oh let me think I on the internet and my lappy. Then later... cook lunch, trying to watch Anastasia online. Oh yeah. That really sucked. All the way until about 4pm plus I was like SHOOOT!

Overshoot a lot leh. I havent really studied anything much yet. I remember writing notes for ASR and BNF but that was before exams. It was when they had this little tests.... Do those count? I have spent a lot of time on LAW. Writing the notes diligently.... I'm at Lecture 3 over le :D. Like coming to 4 then 5 then 6. :D.

Haven't revised anything much of Stats. :( But it's maths, plus I think I just need to practice and practice... Well, but I cheated actually, I read my carbo notes a lot already, and lipids thingy I did for proj. Haha. ASR... I remember bits of things hahaha. Sigh. My mouth tastes weird, I think I want a BIG GULP! from 7-11, I shall go get it and start on LAW again, I guess! :D! I'm soo happy I'm getting things in control. :) Read read read

&lots more reading to do.

P.S. I can't love you better than this. ;)
Current music: You get what you give - New Radicals.

I shouldn't post this but...

2009-12-02T23:52:00.002+08:00

Dearest Diary. I admit, I have indeed taken up more than I can cope with but, this is my life and I am living it the way it should be lived in the Duckie standards, so bugger off. B)

First things first, my friendships, I feel so guilty towards my friends. They know who they are, they do come to this little blog and read my mindless entries or at least I think they can be pretty mindless at times. But this is where I pour out my feelings too.

I feel so guilty towards my friends, I don't want them to think that I am only interested in having a friendship with them because I need them like the usual, they have good grades and all that's why I am being friends with them, I don't want them to think that I am using them. I am not, but why does it seem that way? How can I not put it that way? Then I will feel bad.

And another problem that I have is, I have problems expressing myself. Certain things that I want to say, it's like they don't come out in the correct way that I want to put it. It's so irritating, I wish I could express myself properly. Probably right here right now, I can and am doing it the correct way, I hope.

Sigh, I just feel so troubled. And it's my mid terms on their way. They are making me lose sleep. But I hope you see this entry, you know who you all are.

Just for the record, I love you guys okay? And you all have been really understanding towards me, I will appreciate you and love you guys for it, I wish I could hug all you, but if you feel uncomfortable, I don't know how else to express it but in words. I really really really thank you all for being my friends and being so understanding. You all mean a lot to me and I thank God for all of you guys in my life.

God Bless You all. All the best for midterms, darlings! :D!

angry&unhappy.

2009-11-28T23:29:00.002+08:00

Someone tell me why...

Adults always assume that they are right when they know they are wrong?
Why adults are such a pain in the butt
Why they are holes in the butt (read in between the lines?)

Sigh I was just thinking about this whole thing. I am not really angry or hurt.
Just irritated, irritated that at this age, at my age and at my parents age..
They still don't understand me or attempt to, it's like they still treat me the same way as they did when I was younger.

Like what the feces. Seriously. Aren't I of age?

I really am feeling pretty much immune to it though. It's not like getting angry would solve the problems. I figured that they are just too much of an irritant in my life.

But I need these irritants, they support my very life too, how ironic.
They spoil it and make it... So much irony in the house.

Sigh, I really wish I could be a full-fledged adult.
Maybe I don't want it, maybe all I want is my freedom but still being underneath the wings of my parents, someone to clear up my messes...

I know how that feels... It's great ain it. Sigh, I just feel so troubled now. Sickening.

I won't blog again, I'm irritated and angry that I am forced to being treated like that. I feel violence rushing in my blood, oh yes.

Sigh. -_______-...

I. AM. TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIREDDD!

2009-11-27T00:31:00.002+08:00

I hate being someone else whom I am not.
And if you don't like me, I am not obliged to make you like me.

And don't influence anyone of my friends you idiot.
And friends, don't be so fickle minded by someone who doesn't like me.

Sigh, I really give up. I give up being someone I am not.
I am nice at times and I have my moods at times.
I am not born in this world to please you neither are you to please me.

We are all not perfect beings and if you think I'm too nagging or my ways are mean then hey! That's me, you have no right to judge me or whatsoever.

As for a particular person I would like to swear at you and curse you because you really are the worst thing ever. You have no backbone you only support everyone else whom you want to please you dont care about people who care about you.
YOU ONLY CARE ABOUT WHO YOU WANT TO PLEASE. THAT'S ALL YOU EVER DO.
SO F YOU. I HATE YOU. AND GET OUT OF MY LIFE.
BECAUSE YOU ARE ONLY MAKING HELL A PLACE ON EARTH.

F OFF. AND THANK YOU.

Finally got that off my chest.

Today was supposedly an okay day really.
Until, you guys just read it.
Well, laughter in the daytime with all the fun things.
Went shopping too. Sigh. I can't blog now. Too hurt and angry.
Sorry for the post, had to vent it out somewhere before i go mad.

You know what, scratch that, I've lost all my marbles.

-

I ♥ it when I bathe, Revelations come to me.

2009-11-23T22:09:00.002+08:00

I think I am getting obsessed with this ---> ♥

Anyway, NEW BLOG SKIN! Yeah well the old one was a little looney haha.
Okay stuff to put here.

I want my scholarship. I want my nose. I want my debating trophy but I don't want overdose.

Sigh, I know I'm nuts but I think I want to keep this short.

Then putting reality aside, I want to do all the wackiest things that I could ever do in my life. Totally change my hair, change my hairstyle, learn to play musical instruments, have a band, throw a gig, compose songs, drink, party, club, be the teenager I am meant to be. Go for expensive shopping spree. Work my ass off for money for that of course. I want boots, clothes, everything and anything I can get. Go for language classes. Learn French, German, Spanish, whatever I can learn, travel the world and finally, I want to marry and settle down in a family, hopefully I'll live in somewhere nicer to die in. Like the countryside.

With all the ♥ in the world, my little nose, you are the brightest star for me.
I♥you.

People whom I♥:
Nose.

Church people: Cellgroup; karmen, michelle, yiying, vic, janel
Lunch sweethearts; Vic, Joel, Jerry

Debaters: You guys are so rocking; Aji [coach]
[seniors] Pacer, Paki, Tank, Bhavna, Canni, Scarro, Khandahar, Porkie, Saydu?
[everyone else] KJ, Freya, Maryann, Beanie, Nea, Yat, Ray, Ekta, Sunshine, Blob, Don,
Anita, Irene, Box, R2, R1, Hawaii... did I miss anyone out?

GEMS 1BO2! ♥♥♥♥♥: (I copied and paste) Brian, Christianna, Farah, Fuhairah, Shu Han, Grace, Kesha, Derek, Anne, Dai Zhen, Crystal, Heather, Nisa, Zakiyyah, Hazimah, Hui Yin, Reuben, Pamela, Max, Li Cheng, Virina, Megan, Yong Xuan, Zabeen.

Lol, I only know a few people from the other class, 1B01 and they are YiWei and Uncle Josee, Kylie and Ruoen. I♥them too.

Some other people I think I should mention that I♥: JAMIE! COUSIN! PLMC's Vocalists ministry, band, sound crew, ushers. There are so many....

And to all of you, I♥you guys. :)

I hope I didn't miss out anyone else important. If I missed you out, I'll let you know that whoever you are, you are still loved. :)

xoxoxoxo means hugs&kisses!

Lol I feel so childish being here again.

2009-11-10T21:57:00.002+08:00

I can't believe it. I'm blogging. -.-

Today is the first day that I didn't go to school in my poly days.
I thought I loved school, but seeing what has happened, it makes me think that I am really better off alone.

I won't say it's emoness I just think that I'm the bad clam that can't click with everyone.

And I find myself too stubborn to succumb to others and what they want.
I often find myself asking, who are you now? What are you doing? Is this justice enough on your own conscious?

I want to be myself too much really.

So when I thought about today and how much I wanted to go to school, I realised that I want to do the same thing you want to do, Daddy.
I want to give up on reality as a whole, lost myself. Go against the Singapore Government, go against what I know. Like how we must go to school, we must study to get good grades, how I must be a good girl, what society expects from me.

And I was just thinking about all those other people in the world, who don't face being in a democractic "civilised" society, don't suffer the expectations that they have to meet that we do.

It's not just. But i guess it all boils down to it, being life itself. We're born into this world and society.

So today, when I was at home, besides feeling the stress from my nose, medicine and the notes that were facing me, I realised that I took not only a day off in school or made full use of my MC or missed a BNF test. I also realised that I took a break from life altogether.

Duckie, will keep fighting on. She needs it. She will fight her own battles, cry her won tears, experience her own willpower and strength. She needs to keep moving on..

-

i am a champion in me. :)

2009-09-28T23:30:00.002+08:00

Ohhhh yeah. (:

Today feels like a really awesome day. I feel like I have achieved something today.
And I want to thank one of my colleague! She helped me.

We helped each other actually. To get over 2 idiots. :P.
I can say idiot here because they really are idiots in their own ways.

I feel really awesome today like I have achieved something that I didn't think I could achieve.

I have finally let go.
I have learnt and realise a lot of things.

There are fine lines separating, it takes time to nurse a broken heart and absence makes the heart grow fonder.

And also just this whole relationship thingy. I felt like a brand new me bursting through with succession.

I was young and in love and very much hurt. I vowed to be free from all the tangles of love. I wanted to be what I wanted to be, an independent free young woman. But haha, how possible is it to run away from love? You can never run away from your problems. I learnt that the hard way. Neither is it easy to face it.

That's why we face it with our friends, we face it with as much courage as we have summoned out. I learn that. Today I learnt that some problems, you have to make a decision. You can't run away from it forever but then there's always putting the problem aside for a moment then getting back to it. But it can be put about as running away from it.

I learnt that today because I wanted to face the problem, I'm like all set and ready to face it and when it really comes, it catches me unaware and all so I froze there in my seat, unable to make a move. That's what I realise. Facing your problems ain easy but taking a step to try to solve it is good, it's encouraging.

I don't know how long my problem is going to last but I hope it won't end nasty. (:

I know it will take time to solve it, I must learn to be patient. And patient I shall try to be. Because I am not exactly a patient person. :P.

You must be too. (:

Love you (:

I love you and my heart cannot deny that.

2009-09-26T23:06:00.002+08:00

"I hate myself for loving you
Can't break free from the things that you do
I want to walk but I run back to you
That's why I hate myself for loving you"

Haha, I guess that's one way to describe how I feel.
There are others which are really comical.
Life is like that.
However, the life that I have. It really is different.

I daydream and dream of this young man that I can love and hold in my hand.
That he will love me and hold me in his hand, we'll be the perfect one for each other.
But I have a problem finding him, and he has a problem finding me.
Each time a perfect candidate like that comes along, he is usually always taken and not for me.
And I always get left, crushed behind.
I find and find and find but gets false hope in return.
There are so many yet I am unsatisfied with all.

Then there is also the forbidden fruit...

"I love you but I gotta stay true
My moral's got me on my knees
I'm begging you
Stop Playing games

I don't know what is this but you got me good
Just like you knew you would
I don't know what you do but you do it well
I'm under your spell

You got me begging for mercy
Why won't you release me
You got me begging for mercy
Why won't you release me
I said release me"

Yes, I hope you understand how I feel. There's no other way else to describe it.
Love you all out there. (:

* Words in Italics are song lyrics

Thank you for loving me so much! (:

2009-09-20T22:48:00.002+08:00

A dedicated post again. Haha.

Thank you for loving me so much. Though it was not meant to be, I was touched and loved by you while it lasted.

I experienced things in which, I would want to experience them again but I know I can't. But I'm happy that I have.

Thank you for coming into my life and not leaving your footprints behind. I hate people who pop in and out of my life. Just like that. People will think you're a player.

I hope that we can continue to be like how we are, we must exercise out limits. I cannot say that I am the only one who has and you have not fully but I believe that we are both equally at fault.

So please guide me and forgive me. Love you always xoxoxo. (:

You know how sometimes life really sucks. You can't always have what you want and in the modern century and times, we want more than what we have. We are so much greedier than before.

But that's where we are actually hurting ourselves. It is the risks that are thrilling and fun because there's the excitement of the unknown and curiosity.

Yet, sometimes in the name of fun and all, we forget what may or might also happen, we don't consider all consequences.

In the end, we may be suffering, but let us not suffer for nothing. Let us suffer and learn from it as well.

Suffering is easy to experience, learning may not be. So take heed.

"Once bitten, twice shy"

Love ya. (:

`i can't get you outta my head&im going nuts! *

2009-09-19T22:52:00.002+08:00

If today wasn't a bad day. Then maybe yesterday was. But today felt like such a sucky day. I hate it when I have nothing to do. When I'm not busy because then I got nothing to do, I will think about horrible things or things that I don't want to think about. Like today... ):

I just can't get you out of my head or mind. I just keep thinking about you. It's so wrong. I have mixed emotions. I hate you but I love you. I hate you for what you did to me. I love you because it affected me and made me feel a special way like very loved and very protected, very secured.

I feel like I shouldn't have seen you today, you shouldn't have come today, because I was doing so well so fine but yet, I was happy because you were coming. And when you came, you probably thought I hated you and didn't want to pay any attention to you, it was kind of true. I didn't know what we were anymore. I didn't know what to do.

You put me in a plight. I can't love you because I'm scared to go where I don't want to go. But you do know to a certain extent that I want to. I feel so mixed up so lost. We should talk it out. But I don't know. I don't want to. That's why I hate today.

Because talking it out means I'm accepting it, means it's true. Means I've done the unthinkable. The thing is I've thought the unthinkable but not done it. I'm suffering here. You really make me feel like I'm forbidden to fall in love. I can't do it.

But if you are reading this or have managed to read it. Come find me, You know how to. Go by our usual way. Let me know because I still want to talk to you. I want to know what's happening. I don't dare to make a move, but even not making a move is making a move because, you should know why. I want to talk and come and find you but I don't dare.

I'm going crazy. Please if you read this. Please, come and find me.

I don't know if I can still say "Love ya" like I do to everyone else but I'll say it to you anyway because it's true.

Love ya..

I just hate it when reality kicks in.

2009-09-17T21:40:00.002+08:00

You know how you guys out there always have dreams?

Even I have dreams too. No matter how ridiculous they are. You may laugh at them, you may mock me. You may even empathise and sympathise with me. But whatever you do, they are my dreams and I'm going to tell you about them right now.

I hate it when reality kicks in because, they really did today and yesterday. But more effect today. I haven't confirm it yet but I must tell you, it really sucks and the best thing was that this conversation was on.

Just nice, on Tuesday, I had a nice long chat with Korkor. And I talked so much about my life. My first time in years, actually talking to someone who will listen to me, no matter how boring I am. And I felt like it was the first time I could be so blunt, so plain, so me. Without having to feel shy, be mocked at, I really really liked that feeling and for that, I would like to thank him in this blog, if he ever sees it. (:

So then, on Wednesday, it was sucky. Really. After the whole nice episode with Korkor, the following day got work, I think both of us got work haha. But I can still awake up lols. I'm proud of myself :P. Actually it's like saying I'm proud of lacking in sleep hahaha. But then actually yesterday could have been an awesome day if only I did not miss debates. But I did and also, yesterday, when I was working, I was alone. I did the dish washing myself. And I think I spent like 10am all the way to around really 6pm, really just standing there, washing dishes. I met this nice guy working there. Should be harmless to say his name? Okay let's give him a nickname. Let's call him N.

Well, I noticed on that day itself that I was wearing a black shirt and he was too. So that was like um okay. Haha. But I must admit he really is a nice guy because he helped me in the cleaning of the stuff for most of the day. There was another nice person too, she's a girl, senior in TP, awesomeness but she stayed til one so yeah, but I appreciate her help too.

Then like I said, Wednesday sucks because I missed debates and the worst thing is after the shift right, it was starting to pour so then I had to run, got wet, rushed for debates then later, I was told not to come so a big fat down arrow for me :((

Then today, Thursday, well, I must say it was a hell lot of a better day. Woke up nice and refreshing because of the rain, it was cool. Then had fishball noodles for breakfast before setting out to work, and thought I thought I was going to be late for work, I wasn't haha. Well, when I arrived at work, um the nice girl was there already and I came a few minutes earlier than N. And the first thing again I noticed was that, I was wearing a yellow shirt and so was he. So I asked him, "Is it just me or we are wearing the same colour shirt again? Hahaha, yesterday you wore a black shirt, so did I and today I wear a yellow shirt and so did you." Freaking awesome man. Haha. He said he didn't noticed. Haha.

Yup so then, today was really better because halfway I had help from someone else so it's better in the sense.

Now, back to what I said, the dreams part and reality. This N guy that I have just met. He reminds me of Joel. Yes. Joel Lee ZJ. I think it's the same hair and they sort of behave like the same. Anyway, so then, I had a conversation with N. And I really hate it because. This N guy, he has the characteristics of a dream guy that I threw away.

My dream guy according to my dreamy desires when I was young and innocent and so ambitious. I wanted to marry a guy from the UK. And I preferably like if it's the strongest currency, Pounds. So yeah he does. And I hope that my guy is one year older than me, is blond, taller, slim, lean. He has perfect eyesight too. He score all the points and he is here in Singapore. I don't really care about the blue eyes stuff, I'm flexible on that. :D.

Okay so the majority of you mad crazy girls would ask me to grab him and never let him go but the thing is, when this dream came to me. I wasn't feeling excited. Happy or whatever, I just felt nonchalant. Like matter-of-factly. And he was talking to me about my dreams and I told him that reality and dreams never clash for me. So ironic.

I know why i dont feel anything. Goes to show I really have thrown them away. I had dreams like I want to be a model, singer, actress, be like coco, makes clothes and all. But of course, they are just dreams. We can pursue them with our hearts. I also wanted to be a multi-talented musician, and other things too like an air-stewardess, tourist guide?

So I'm just feeling miserable maybe. A part of me feels sad, another doesn't. It's like I'm numb.

Numbness has to go sleep now, sorry for abrupt ending.

Oh Gosh.

2009-08-26T23:02:00.000+08:00

I don't get it, I really don't. I'm suppose to be studying MF then why all the weird thoughts entering my head?

The studying was going so well. Until these thoughts enter my head.

I just thought about how life is like. I just suddenly feel that jealousy has grabbed hold of me and locked me up like a prisoner. I will not give in! People can be jealous of me too, it's all based on perceptions. But I think it's more of my own insecurities. Sigh, am I too nice I sometimes ask myself. That I let others trample over me?

There's this saying something like either you live or I die, can't remember it. Means one will win and well of course, I'm the dead one. Is it gonna be like that? I am so powerless, I just can't stop thinking about it.

A lot of things, like how we are all so selfish, we stand up for ourselves only and we leave the rest behind. I guess there was one time I got really angry, that I was the one left behind. It's not my fault, I have issues too. And I hope to get over them soon. I guess this is one of it. Why do I remember the sadness, anger and grieveness when I can remember the happy memories?

Like how today, I went out with Hui Yin, :D. I felt like wow, never been to a shopping mall for so long already. Never did window shopping. I feel like I forgot what it is like to be a girl. But I never really got the chance to experience it. I don't go shopping and I have no money to shop too. I don't have much of a social circle and am lacking in social skills. I am still coping back though. I have my school friends, I have my church friends, my outside friends, they are still friends but I guess other than that, in school, I still feel disconnected to the world. Why?

I've turned so pessimistic now. What happen to the happy-go-lucky me? Sigh, today's events affected me a lot a lot I guess. It showed me a lot too. How spoiled some people are in their own ways and worlds. And so defensive. What are you trying to protect? Why do you bluff your way into stuff like that? Why can't you be for real? Sigh. Maybe it's jealousy because I am for real but so cold and bitter. Then for her, I don't know. Haha. I think I got problems with girls.

I can't talk to them. Wow, I can't talk to my own species. Well, I pretty much can't really talk to people who are so concerned about their looks, about materialism, I realised I really can't talk to them, all the fakers, and such. Maybe what I think of them is just in an arrogant way like, you are too simple minded for me and I think too complicatedly for you, sorry we're on the wrong frequencies, bye. Gosh, I'm such a dickhead haha.

Sigh, here i am again drowning in my thoughts and sorrows. I just don't get it sometimes. I really don't. How the world works. How people work. Sometimes I just wanna turn mad or go violent, is that a characteristic of my dad?

Sigh, oh no Joscelyn, don't go loony on me.

>.< and back to Mef. -

dear diary....

2009-08-17T22:48:00.001+08:00

I have no idea where else I could turn to already.

So here I am. Today turned out to be a little weird. I couldn't get out of bed. But I did in the end, because of guilt.
I did a note today that was titled "I realise.."

Everyday or every morning, there is a hidden guilt in my heart. I guess that guilt affects everyone at home. Everyone who is a girl would feel it.

But then today was so well until the night came. Today was spent looking at the Academic Writing Essay. My essay title was Memories and Nostalgia Amongst the Elderly.

Well, I have memories and nostalgia too. I let go of my 10 miserable years in school. Yet they still haunt me, I was looking through people's facebook profiles just now, and I also did the note.

It's horrible, after seeing everything. I guess it really affected me a lot and it started because well, I was treated coldly by so many people. And I guess that affected me. Well, but I am in no position to feel like I have feelings but I have every right to ignore these current situations.

I am to resume my busy post, because I have Exams, I need to study, I have last minute assignments I need to complete. So I have every right, every reason to just drop and let go. But I just can't seem to do that.

I feel like I wear a mask, and my mask is beautiful.

You've Got To Be Kidding Me!

2009-08-15T23:16:00.000+08:00

Yo what's up, people!

Updates: My classmates from TP have discovered my blog RAWR.
I don't know how but I guess that adds on to the audience that I have!

OKAY BABES/GUYS YOU GOT A LOT OF READING TO DO!

IF YOU BOTHER TO READ

HAHA.

Okay here goes. So it's been a really busy time for me in TP. Yes, you have to read that stupid line again.
I'M SERIOUS!
And it's gonna get even more busy for me. But if you don't know or if you must know. I like Busy.
Busy is my best friend!

Anyway, I will be having a lot of things going on. Even though I have no life or that my life revolves around been in school and such.

However, I must tell you guys! Today is a really rare day! My family went to take like photoshoot! :D!
I don't have the pictures but I gotta tell you, I REALLY hate Putting Make Up on!

I mean, yeah, I go to work and I only put a bit of make up like the eyeshadow and Lipstick or Lip Gloss which ever.
But photoshoot.. O. M. G. It's like everything the whole foundation once, then twice, blusher, eyeliner. LIPSTICK!
I was dying.

And I gotta tell you, this experience made me see my inner feminine side. I guess ladies, you all have felt this way before too. You wanna look pretty, you want to look beautiful, infront of the camera, infront of the men.. And I thought before too, I don't mind doing things like dancing, performing, modelling. As long as I look pretty infront of the people, I don't embarrass myself.

So as I sat there, looking at all the fuss... I start to think about what people have told me. From knowing people who are modelling part-time. Working in photoshoots and getting paid, I started to think if I wanted it too. It looks fun, dolling up except that I have to get use to make up. But I don't need make up.

I used to think make up is for ugly people or people who dont think they are pretty and need to put them so I told myself regardless of whether I am pretty or not. I don't need make up. I want my life partner to love me for who I am. I want him to appreciate me for who I am too.

but today, obviously I was wrong. But I just sat there, swimming in my thoughts, you know? But it was a cool experience! I want to try it out too. Part-time modelling and everything. Seems cool, awesome.

Anyway, back to today, that was how I felt. I have had a lot of people telling me too that I could advertise in Shampoo Advertisements. But who would want me to advertise in their advertisements? Haha. Well, but yeah school's really busy and I have bonded immensely with my TP Debaters. They are a really an insightful bunch. I thank God for all the time I have spent with them and all.

Well, I still have things to do now. 3 things in fact. And they are quite important. My Exams are coming. If you could, pray for me? Thank you so much! (:

If you could see me now, what would you do?

DUCK~-KE`-NATOR! rawr~!

2009-07-01T00:06:00.011+08:00

Hello oh yes, I know, I haven't blogged for a really really long time.

But I gotta say, being in TP, Poly, is kind of busy and free.

Busy because you are loaded with projects. Free because you have a lot of free time before lessons and such.

So all in all, you are still busy because you are suppose to use your free time to do those busy things haha.

Okay enough B.S.

I have had quite a bit on my plate now. I recently had Vocalist Retreat and here are some pictures that I have taken, they are both here and on Facebook. Enjoy.

This is our theme, it's suppose to form the words U N D I G N I F I E D
& if you can guess which is me, you're awesome! (:

Now here are just some random shots:

All right! (: That's rather recent and because of this, I have become kind of more open to my class! Wanna see my class? I really love them! Haha!

This is the first shot.

This is the second!

And of course, if you can find me, you are great! (:

And lastly, my love and joy at TP also, Debates. Just had one session today, it was magnificient!

Here's our BBQ! Some pictures, I took:

At night haha, can see?

Me and KJ! :D!

4 hot babes, first shot!

4 hot babes, second shot!

Hansel and I!

Random shot of us walking!

And I love love love the last picture! (:

HAHAHAHAHA! (:

Anyway, hope you love those pictures like I do, have to do POM or not. Bye! (:

Oh so long so long.

2009-06-19T21:13:00.002+08:00

Heyyeee people! (:

Sorry so long never blog le. Haha.

Life's been fair to me.

Actually a lot happened and I would have blogged if I wasn't so lazy.

Suppose to be doing my school homework now. Some essay draft thing consisting of 2000 words, yes it's rocking alright. And topic is Memories and Nostalgia amongst the elderly.

Today was a rather shitty day in the morning, thought I could go for debates after I finish CDS Selection, choosing an extra subject. Then the system really sucks man.

It's like every page took so long to load. And at last when I finally got in, and chose my subjects, it TIMED ME OUT. I was damn pissed la. Middle Finger and everything so angry!

Oh well no choice sign in again, only to realise the whole damn com hung. Logged in 3 times in total and finally the third time I succeeded. No need to go for debates already this pffting system. By the time I finish it's about 12.30 plus. And I started at 9 or 10. 3 hours!

Sigh, okay, I didn't take a lot of pictures or whatever. So nothing to show. But yesterday I met up with daddy again and it was awesome really. And went to Seoul Garden to eat, reminds me of those Korean Dramas where they have barbequed meat to eat. Lols. But it was nothing really much like that, it was rather good though, kinda of surprised the food cooked so fast and didn't burn my tongue at all. (:

I wasted food though then I felt very bad. Sigh, I know why, I always take so much and share but then this time, don't have. Aiya. But oh wells, today sucks too though. Cannot focus on doing my essay I don't know why, like no mood to do homework or essay. Never even look through and revise my school stuff. I wonder what's wrong with me. It's like I have a life and no life at the same time.

Okay, I guess must try to focus. So, ciao.

Really Happy Birthday, haha.

2009-05-28T22:26:00.004+08:00

Today, is my jie's birthday! (:

And today was kind of um like a good day because, my study schedule is up and Duckie is starting to officially really sit down and study and she did Gerontology today. Which was WOW! Haha, I think I fall asleep while reading word to word of the textbook haha. Come to Poly no more Textbook Worm already! Haha!

So anyway, the restaurant that we went to, was this place called Golden Spoon. It's a really good restaurant! I must must must proclaim my amazement on their service, it is like as though you go to your best friend's house or your relative's house like that! Because when we stepped inside, the guy offered my dad a parking coupon ticket, we were all shocked. Haha, but wow, service like that? Haha.

Then we had a lot of complimentary dishes! Really! Got free dish and desert! Haha. But you must say some stuff like how you know this place, there's a secret, won't tell you. Want to know then must ownself go find out haha. So anyway I took some pictures of the interesting food we were eating. They looked pretty ordinary but the deserts sure are special! Check it out!

Fried thing outside and ice cream inside!!!!

Erm, Yam paste or something, not that special la. It's really sweet though.

So, I only managed to capture the desert dishes. Well, anyway, feeling tired and must study so um, if you must know, it's the exams next week! So I am screaming my heads off about it. Love you all.

I'm going! (:

Am I too ambitious?

2009-05-23T14:37:00.002+08:00

I can't believe I'm blogging for a quiz. But maybe it's important.
I'm blogging because of a quiz that's counted in my results at the end.
I don't know how many percent but it really sucks that I got so little.
I just can't get it. It's an open book test and I referred to the resources I was given.
I am just so upset about it. And yea, I can't do it again. After seeing the answers, it really makes me look so stupid. Like obviously it isn't this answer la, yet I selected that answer.

Then I begin to wonder why I did badly for this test, is it because I am sitting here, smelly and sticky, with my parents shouting around or something. Then my dad and sister keeps butting in and I get so annoyed that I cannot work in peace?

And the internet keeps disconnecting and it disconnected without letting me save the answers that I selected.

Sigh, I just feel so plain stupid.
So I must be really dumb, aren't I?

TSK...... I hate my life, my things and all that crap. They are all never good enough for me and I am never good enough for them too.

hey all (:

2009-05-17T00:27:00.003+08:00

Recently my blog entries are of horribleness to me

But maybe also be horrible, depending on perception! (:

I have 3 CCAs now in Temasek Polytechnic.

I join Visual Central, Debates and AC.

They are really fun. Besides my course people, my classmates are awesome! (:

And in CCAs, it's nice to know some people, like Year3 Jaron and Year2 Jun Hua. (: You could call them my CCA buddies although they are all guys.
But then there's more to it, I mean like AC has got more people and almost like a clique in a way, a group. Like the girls, Kim from HSS too, erm they call them M1, M2, Marieta and Myzza, nice names. And Likha too! Likha, and the Ms could all be sisters, so awesome! Then Ranford's birthday too, check the pic out!

Heehee, not too bad is it? (:
Anyway I have church tomorrow and a couple of other things to do too, like study wow, can't believe I am saying this but yes, study! Haha! (:

Love you all honeybunnies and bears!
(:

today really sucks like shit.

2009-05-09T00:11:00.002+08:00

Prepare for bitching.

A lot of bad things happened today. Like,

1. Phone mysteriously die, no idea why. The batt was full batt then no reception at all! Cannot call or send sms!

2. Only when I reach home then I realise what happened, because my dad buy me a new phone then he told me to change the contacts all to the SIM card. HE, DID NOT TELL ME WHEN I MUST DO IT BY. HE JUST SAID THAT. NO WARNING AT ALL.

3. Lost communication with the world like that. Suppose to eat with friends then like nothing.

4. Best thing is my watch spoilt also, good timing eh? No phone for time, no watch for time, yay!

5. Then minister came to visit today, ended then with my phone for no reception, I cannot contact my worship people for heads-up. Had to depend on my friends and others.

6. She made me wait so long for her. 7.15 she was nowhere to be seen! And my rehearsals started at 7.30!

7. From Tampines Interchange, take 81 which gave me a heart attack when it went to Pasir Ris.

8. 8.30pm I arrived at church. I'm dead 3 times in a row. Yay!

Moral of story: COMMUNICATION IS DAMN DARN IMPORTANT. NO COMMUNICATION, EVERYTHING DIES.

But there were good things like

1. Came early for my suppose second POM lecture but it was sucky also because the lecturer like hurrying to finish.

2. Marketting was hilarious :D

3. When she knew and told me that my worship members won't mind me being late, I felt horrified, it was like she didn't care! I did! No wonder she didn't ran and acted like nothing. It was only her not me. She's more important. She was not so right and not so wrong, they minded but of course, they were you could say, nice about it. And I thank God for them and that but not really that friend of mine. Angry. >:(

Sigh, so all in all, it isn't really such a bad day. Tomorrow is resting day.

Day to do my tutorials. Day to do my project. Day to rest. Day to pop up ezlink. Day to do my phone or could do it now. Tomorrow is my Sabbath day in a sense.

Tomorrow is Admin Day, sorry to all who tried to contact me today, I was actually within reach and well, love you all, hope you didn't have such an unlucky sucky day like I did. If you did, join the club.

-

or AT LEAST I think I have!

2009-04-30T00:28:00.002+08:00

Well, just today, I thought everything was fine and okay already. Like whatever happened, happened in school and that was that. Then in the end, it was a lie.

I guess I can't mix with the majority of the people because well, it's the common thingy I guess. I don't have that, even if I do, I don't have it with a lot of people.

Like I don't believe in peer pressure so I don't do all the things that people do, that maybe even my sisters try to do. I don't do that too. Peer pressure is like... it doesn't have much effect on me. And right now, I feel like daddy has abandoned me but I don't blame him. He's tired and I am suppose to be tired too and sleeping and yet, what am I doing?

I am in not a good mood and I hate certain things like people giving me orders and things that I don't like to do. It really sucks. That's what my parents do. Rarely will you ever hear a request, gentle request, soft things, and it's just so weird that they have this phrase 'practise what you preach' when people don't do it.

Sigh, I am just so filled with anger and sadness, I really want to just run away from it all. People really only think of themselves. It is just terrible. Sigh, I guess I'm not actually suppose to blog because I'm afraid I'll offend people here. But it really sucks maybe I should say what happened. What I feel.

I know that I talk too much. So much that well, I guess people don't like it lor. To put it simply. I am weird in that way. But hey, it's not like I'm never listening, is it? I do keep quiet too. Okay but... Sigh, character conflict within me. I will just hush up because I don't know what to do. Don't think about it then. I am going to sleep. And leave the problems of the world aside and away from me.

-

duckie, troubled, upset, sad and miserable...

Finally sorted out my issues... (:

2009-04-24T20:23:00.003+08:00

I've finally sort out my issues.

Well, I admit that I am a person that can be pretty much over my head at times, I guess a lot of times in fact. But when I sit down and think about it, I really am a perfectionist yet being a perfectionist, I am very alert to all the imperfections.

But then I am forgetting that no matter how perfect I want to be, I doubt that I can be that. And I try to be. In turn, I will look at things that I want, things that are perfect enough for me. Friends, people, everything... But then now that I come to think about it, my secondary school class, the classmates were really over the border for me. Too much for me. And now when I come to settle in Poly, I realise that Poly really is so much better for me. I seem to have suffered the super extremes and when I come to a place whereby the environment is much better or actually about the same because I think it is the same in a way, the people there yet are different. Okay I know I sound mixed up but they are same because they all suffer from peer pressure, something that the majority of our society suffers from but they are different because well, poly people are much more, better in terms of accepting and I think their personalities. That's in my Poly faculty.

I think I am the kind of person you would called once bitten, twice shy because for me, when i experience something new, i will be lost about it initially then second time we meet, dejavu but I will know, I suppose.

This I suppose has inspired me to do well in my course, make good friends, and accept people for their shortcomings in that sense, things that I don't like about them or cannot tolerate. I know that I will have problems tolerating and getting used to it but hey, it's life and life isn't perfect.

Sigh, I hope what I said made sense, today I seem very distracted, not at all like the duckie we all know or at least people know.

Duckie - Deep thoughts.

-*./`~

Duckie Dakota Deciding Decisions... ...... :D

2009-04-19T23:27:00.003+08:00

Hey um it's not SURFBOARDER, it's WEIGHTBOARDER. Hahahaha. (:

And also, orientation is finally over! 3 days felt longer than 3 days! And I kind of miss it, orientation is what I CALL A LIFE! THAT'S THE KIND OF LIFE I WANT! AND I HAVE IT! AND I'M HAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPY! *claps hands*!

Okay so like after 3 long days of orientation, (weds, thurs, fri), Saturday I went to work from like 10am to 10pm. 12 hours at MM. Earn like $71.50. If I was working at the cafe it would be like $84. But the manager was nice, it was hellish though, after orientation still work, yeah i'm crazy and it was like full house also! I forgot to mention that because of all the dancing on friday, I got like the ABs there pain, stomach muscles aching from all the dancing that made me arch my body forward like lean back then arch it forward....

lols, k, nights! Quacking no more! (:

DAKOTA! HSS! Orientation #`goodbye

2009-04-17T23:05:00.002+08:00

Just bathed and today is the last day of the orientation... so sad.

So we kick start the day with talks, plenty and plenty of talks. Not really lah, haha. But quite a lot and I guess we still paid attention, we had to. And today's the day in which I came to school the earliest! First day came a bit late then second day was like the latest of all then today is like super early, 8 something before 8.30! Whoa.

There was library talks, then carers talk and we had like super nice chicken drumsticks! YEAH! I ate like 5 I think. And also sandwiches. Then somemore talks on CCAs and stuff then later Course Managers' briefing and we get to meet the CPs. There was also lunch! YIPEE. It was rather rushed actually, eat then had to hurry cuz we had to assemble at tp's sports complex.

First thing we had was Mass Dance, sweat like mad like that, my partner was darn hot or cool in that sense, cuz he looked like some muscular hunky polo boy or something or swimmer or i dont know how or what he did, he's damn strong i must tell you, when we were in the field doing the Mass Dance, I think he was so strong he injured my hands. And so we stayed in the field area there being entertained by cheers and all but I think I spent most of the time rehearsing for the performance so I missed a lot of the entertainment but caught a few, there were dragonboating, cheers, cheerleading and then the really cool one was the guy, Matthew Christian or something, Singapore's NUMBER ONE SURFBOARDER! He is damn good, can do flipback while surf boarding!

It was entertaining for awhile, seeing him do the same few things got a bit boring and then later he fell twice and it was funny because i asked my friend, 'he fell down thrice is it?' then she said 'no, twice only' then he fell down and I said 'yea, thrice'.

Well, my sch then performed which was great, so great, in these 3 days of orientation, i felt that i went on stage without embarrassing myself! SO AWESOME! Haha! lols lols. (:

We did all the TP stuff again for the last time, TP song....
And something really disturbing happened. Someone dislocated their knee, it was a girl actually. And to tell you the truth, I know the girl and I didn't like her. But when I saw her, I felt so sad and sorry for her, I'm just so nice, aren't i? Maybe because it was gross and I saw what had happened, her knee had this like ladder tattoo or something there, that's how I know.

Well but overall, it is really good and even though HSS didn't win, we won in our hearts, we had a prize giving ceremony back at the lecture theatres where all the empires got prizes for being what what what, my group got for the transition, our transition was really extremely quiet on the first day to super duper loud on the second and third? And it was because we suddenly had friends lol, it was great! Really! Or should I say, it was AWESOME! Haha! (:

That was pretty much it, I think I'm really tired and I want to sleep le.

My head is a jukebox. Orientation #2.

2009-04-17T00:25:00.002+08:00

I was later today than I was before and when I arrived, well, I already registered that I didn't bring the schedule and my mobile phone. But then I found my Empire very quickly probably because I recognised the people. They were sitting around thinking about what to do for Talent time so yeah we all chipped in ideas and I don't know why but then it seems that I always have the best ideas or something, I'm not trying to self praise but it's true, really. And duh it got chosen.

The theme was remembrance so I thought of don't forget the lyrics then well, everyone else thought about the songs and such, then later we split to go into cheer leading and such, so like til noon, all that I was doing was learning dance moves and practising them. I'm dancing to the song Right Round by Flo Rida, you can go find it if you want. Then I had lunch, before we eat lunch must always say the hungry cheer.... Btw, what's a B-boy?

And we had Amazing Race part 2 it was damn bad, the games were gross in some sense haha. The final clash later was also the worst one, I got like um molested not really, just some guy or somebody touched my sides, so yeah, and my empire suffered humiliation yeah because we know we played fair and the others didn't so yup.

Then we practice for the talent thing, and I am like the main lead! OMG. Haha, I was suppose to sing this fun song in which we were going to do for mass dance, it's called New Age Girl by Deadeye Dick. Then my line is "she don't eat meat but she sure likes the bone" haha, it's really cool, you should really go listen to the song! Haha, dance steps are awesome too. Oh and there's this craze about this word 'Awesome', madness really lol.

And while making my costume, we had dinner lol. After dinner is the talent time show and i was okay haha but i screwed up my line for a bit lols. My group win only for the best actress haha because she imitated one of the MCs lols. Then we had a wheelbarrow competition which was like whoa, haha! Wild and wacky TP song/dance.... yeah. Ended pretty late cuz we got our shirts and they welcomed us into HSS yea.

P.S. I saw someone in a yellow billabong shirt from the back and carrying a light grey bag, the hair is recognisable so is the clothes and his shoes, guess who he is haha!

Ciao, tmr is a damn important busy day!

O.R,I.E,N.T,A.T,I.O,N. #1

2009-04-15T22:39:00.004+08:00

Hey guys! Omg I still feel the highness flowing within me!

Yes, that's right just came back from orientation day 1!!! Haha!

Um my comments are that orientation is not so bad, it's actually really pretty fun! But well at first, when I just arrived there or going there it was a bit bad because I was already late, my orientation starts at 8.30am la, but then the bus 15 was like ASS, didn't stop there cuz too full le so well yeah.

And when I arrived there, I was like in this Empire (groups are called Empires) called Dakota and a sub-group called Owl..... Weird? The other one is Hawk... Tell me about it! Then I heard that the theme was Tribal so yeah, oh well. And my overall Empire name is Dakota right? It's like some tribal name as they say, in Africa, it's a kinda cool name if you ask me but all I can think about when I first heard of it was Dakota Fanning, you know who she is? She acted in the War of the Worlds I think with Tom Cruise haha.

Then heng arh, our colour is red woots! Haha and I met this friend called Michelle, she's from HSS also, HSS is my school, stands for Humanities and Social Science, but she's in Psy. I tell you, it was quite terrible for me actually, I wanted to go into that course but I must tell you, the people there, I think they are very smart alright, to go into Psy, you need 8 points and below so yea. Michelle got below 8 lols. And our identities are really cute, they are small clips that are in the shapes of like apples or strawberries and this is my identity, our group leader was like saying don't lose it arh! And we were given a red raffia string too, I tied it to my watch cuz when I tied it to my wrist, it keeps coming out, irritating piece of string!

This is my identity which I almost lost in it a girls' bathroom.
And I am an apple called Saturday
. . .
This is the idiotic piece of string, say Hello.

Lol, the dates of the camera something wrong if you noticed. Anyway back to it, I was late but then well, poly is nice always wait for you and you know what, they give you 15 minutes grace to be late! Whoa! So nice! Then we had TP song not too bad.

Early breakfast too, called High Tea in which I ate too many fish balls. Lols.
Ice breakers were a little queer but okay, basically cheered and went in a circle and introduced ourselves, a kind of fun game haha. The game IC is from my school and she behaves exactly like Mrs Tng and my sister and they all 3 look alike in terms of their dressing and the way they behave, I think it must be MEGA Camp lols and I saw Wei Kee there! Fellow school mate! :P!

We were taught the TP Song, Hand-Sign, Dance and we did our flags and cheers lol.
Song= easy and and okay
Hand-Sign= quite interesting but forgot haha
Dance= OH YEAH, we have this like MASS Dance in which I am participating in and you know HSS has more girls than guys as usual and I'm dancing with a guy oh wow.

Then we have lunch again but that was when we were like decorating and painting our flags and making up cheers so we split to do different things. Guess what I did? Lol, I painted, yup it's ironic you'll see why later. We split because like each Empire has about... I don't know mine got like 25 or 26 people so yeah.

Then the GL who was in charge of ours see that we all so quiet haha and uninteractive, we had 12 + GL so she split us up and each group think of an idea and give reasons as to why we chose this, symbolism and what it means to submit. She voted for my mine because my idea was like this, since our Empire is called Dakota, we'll have that right smack in the middle of the cloth for the flag let it be like a flame where it's hot red in the middle like a normal fire then we can have the yellow and orange at the tips, normal fire la. And then the firewood will be HSS. The whole setting is like very tribal because it's like a campfire then there will be this circle, where 26 or 25 people will surround it and they are us, those people, my Empire and GLs, the people's names beside the little people, more like stick men, are our names like my names and the rest of the people in my Empire. Quite creative and an interesting idea right? Lols didn't get chosen though, only the GL chose it. Haha!

Then we had amazing race lol, every time everything also got amazing race lol. Okay this is why it is ironic because halfway through, I thought of a cheer all my myself for my sub-group, because the amazing race is in the subgroups. The cheer that I thought of was the "gimme an..." was by another person in the group.

'Gimme an O' OUTRAGEOUS!
'Gimme a W' WILD!
'Gimme a L' LEARNERS!
'And we are?' OWLS! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Haha, nice, cute, short and sweet, I lead the cheer and thought of it myself, sigh. Reminds me of when I was the president for my club and I initiate the stuff and all, that's what I felt. I add the Wooooo in the last part because owls hoot haha. The other cheers were weird and random. But under the name creative, so they were awesome lols.

OH YAR, A LOT A LOT A LOT, seriously A LOT of random outbursts in this first day of orientation! I SWEAR!!!

Then after amazing race, which they say is to let us know how our school lives would be like, it was like the amazing race and that, TP is a damn big school, really, I swear, it is!

Lols and they had this talk on getting us to join the competitions which are dragon boat, cheer leading and "so you think you got talent?" and well, you can laugh if you want but guess which I chose? Haha, don't tell you! WANT TO KNOW, ASK ME YOURSELF! And probably $50 to those who got it right on first guess, haha kidding lols, but you'll get a present.............. maybe :P!

Then after orientation still make us do TP Song, Hand-sign (by then i forgot le) and dance! Lol and we're like whoa siao, tired but then the last part, I guess it's really high and I think what they said is true, doing all those really make you high haha!

Well, and that's all! My first day for Orientation, I pretty much wrote everything down le! (: Can't wait for tomorrow! (:

A tiny whiny chunk of randomness isn't all that bad now, is it?

2009-04-14T12:03:00.004+08:00

After listening to the news I have decided to blog. And probably put down my own reflections of what I think of the world.

I realise that the world is like a group of kids at school. They are a clique. Divided into 2 groups, we have the western big kids and the asian kids. The Asian kids reminds me of them like China and India, countries that are still developing are like the toddlers or the kids who are like 2 years old or something then they have rich parents, rich in resources. Singapore is like the country stil in its prime, a bright big kid in the Asian clique.

Then in the western clique, we have the heads of the clique who are the UK and the US, but UK is like the brainy rich kid and US like the kid that ate too much and is rich too. But both are probably rich and smart too. Maybe UK is smarter in the clique then there are the other countries too. US is depicted to me to be a kid that ate too much because it has more land than UK, that is why i see UK as skinny but UK is of course way richer than the US despite it being smaller. Lol, here comes the economic crisis bit, fit that in here. If you can see the link if not ignore and pass on.

Back to the Asian clique, Singapore is like the more or most developed in the Asian clique, it sort of reminds me of the kid in the clique who looks up to the Western kids but it is also happy because it is situated in a place whereby its surrounding clique members look to it as it is rather rich. The other big kids are also Japan and Korea, I don't know how to explain that part but Singapore probably looks to them too, Japan especially, maybe. The Western clique also likes the Japan kid so Singapore will like them too. It does look like that, in a way.

So cliquish haha. Then North Korea reminds me of me, like in a school ground, I am with none and I stand alone. But not exactly, it still has some of my charateristics. Like how I don't give in to peer pressure when everyone does, I don't, that is the similarity. And everyone is trying to reach out to me lol, that's nonsense, my classmates don't quite care. But North Korea has almost every country reaching out to it. Yet then again, I have my friends in school so I am different from North Korea and I cannot compare myself with any other country except the fact that I am a Singaporean so I am the country Singapore, but I don't regard myself as rich and successful as Singapore, especially rich. And we also differ in many places in terms of characteristics in a certain way as well.

I don't quite know what else to say haha, both cliques have their good and bad points I guess. I think I got this idea from Horrible Histories, talking about putting all the countries into cliques haha. The Allies and The Central Powers.

Lol, okay this is so random but it just came into my head lols, and i wondering if i'd get sued for saying this or something, it's just what I think really.

Sigh, back to the news and my own boring little world.

DUCKIE. RAWR.

random really.

2009-04-12T23:36:00.005+08:00

Me going to watch Odyssey (:

Teddy on my bed (:
PUFFIEEE

I was bored, hmm and I got nothing much to post about. Good Friday was good (: had 2 services for it, one at 9am and the other at 11am, I went for the latter. (: Then went for lunch with my sises and mum. So long never see my dajie le. We exchange hugs. Ate at Vivo btw. (: Then when my sises went off, me and mama went shopping, she bought me a handbag! (: And clothing thingies! (: Had dinner there then went home, that's Good Friday! (:

Saturday, I went for an out of the blue meeting called Sample This! it's so random, and last minute but I went for it anyway, 2 to 5pm. Then later I stayed in Church with Vic, Jerry, Karmen, Janaan and another guy, I dont think i know his name, quite fun really. Stayed til about 6 plus. Then went home for dinner with sis too.

And today, Easter, woke up, go macs with cg eat breakfast then went for service, then had lunch and stayed in church, talking about stuff and playing munchkin, really long game then I went home again.

See, my life. Sigh, tomorrow going to work and finally do my TP, first project, and probably have dinner out. I can so predict my life and then I don't know what I am going to do on Tuesday, probably work and then Orientation days from Wednesday to Friday and then die on Saturday, church on Sunday, Monday school commences, see, I know my life really well so, FULL STEAM AHEAD!

-

if dream is the opposite of reality, goodbye dream romance boy.

2009-04-08T22:00:00.002+08:00

Why do I say that? Hmmm it's strange but I have always had dreams of love. And you could say true love or that a guy's being very nice and caring towards me. But of course like I said, it happens when you're dreaming, so WAKE UP DUCKIE!

Lols anyway, this week ain much, I guess there really isn't much to blog about.

And I find myself echoing my friends in a way, viewing love in a new and negative light, I can't blame them or myself, love is complicated, way complicated than you think. And complicated is almost already like an understatement lol. I'm serious, company.

I can share some of my cheesy dreams but they're not only cheesy but corny too I guess. It's my dreams so it's nice to me because it is towards me and for me only lol. But I suppose I will not.

And love is suppose to be innocent in a way, here i am personificating love again, gees im such a sucker for it all once again.

The only thing I can find for to blog is that, it's Good Friday this friday! YAY! And then Easter on Sunday too. Wooheeeeeee! I miss those Easter eggs! (: And one of my friends were like yay, easter! CHOCOLATES CHOCOLATES CHOCOLATE EGGGSS! Haha! And also that I'm really happy because I seem to keep getting my pay one after the other.
Lols, got 131 on the first round and 140 on the second round, i wonder what's the third round and don't get too happy, it's all going to the bank again as always.....

Oh well, cheerios everyone! I'll do something soon enough and find other things to do and blog about, I'm suppose to be very busy but yet, here I am, blogging, Duckie is busy but then, not that busy huh?

(:

im underweight? .. Serious bo? I want to lose weight lehhh...

2009-03-27T00:08:00.003+08:00

Du.. du.. du..
The sound of excitement
The rush in my ears
What it means to me, is expecting something, I don't know what.
Something unfamiliar, something I've probably not met.
Something I am not used to I might enjoy.. or not,
I don't know yet.

But what I do know is that it is coming
and coming it shall...

Okay, first off, I was thinking that I'd be bored this coming week.
Last week, nothing much I guess. I mean okay let's start with last Sunday.

Sang on stage, it felt dead and quiet, I asked for comments, some were... leaders all away, less people, it's just Clement or... well... lalala.

Then I regretted not spending time with Daddy and folks. Well, but dinner was exceptionally good so it replaced the dreading in the afternoon. We had Nonya food. My aunt said it's the best such that after you eat this Nonya food, every another Nonya food would suck, not sure about it, don't eat Nonya food much. My mum nearly cried, $12 per person and my family's suppose to be scraping from poverty, the heck.

Monday.. Work at Pantry, can't really remember.

Tuesday er.. I think I went to find a job, yeah the street surveyors on the newspaper. I regret it now too but hey, I'm in for the experience I got til Friday to hand up the stuff. It's like this, I called the street surveyor hotline thing in the classifieds section then came down to the place and well, I got like 100 pieces of survey to complete and give out advertisements. So um, well, that day, I tried Raffles Place, happened to be the best at the moment. Oh yeah, we went out to eat too, for dinner, again, I have stm.

Wednesday, yesterday... er i went to try to do the survey too but at Tiong Bahru and Bugis. Bugis first but it was poor. So Tiong Bahru as the guy recommended, not too bad lah. (: Oh yeah and while I was surveying, I happen to have taken my weight and stuff for free! Check it out:

Assuming that I have really shrunk from 164 to 161.7 like the medical report says,

My weight has not changed one bit it's 53kg as promised. But I think yesterday it was taken while hungry so it's 50.3kg haha.

Body fats was 21%, ideal is 18.9% (SHIT)

H-Two-O= 57.8% (hmmm....)

Physique Rating = 5 (is that good?)

BMR = 1232 (whoa what the...)

BM age= 16 (I'm 17 this year officially)

Bone mass= 2.3kg (erm...)

VFats = 1 (what's VFats? Trans??)

Okay, so health freak number one still has issues. Yesterday I went out to eat also.

And now, today, today was like whoa. Went to my Auntie's workplace. Went to work, tmr might be going for health check again, I'm like a busy woman! ...

And I'm tired, that's why the post is in a mess. I ran around, stoood a lot today at work and all. I should be sleeping and so now I will.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Quizes that speak the truth.

2009-03-22T18:22:00.005+08:00

My Colour Personality is: Melon :(

You are a very shy person. But you are also very compassionate and kind. You love to help other people, and you are very selfless. If someone is hurt, you are always the first one to help even if you don't know them. However, you are very timid, so you don't have many friends. If you want to be someone's friend, tell them. Trust me, they want to be your friend too. Your motto: "Others before me."

Haha, a quiz on Facebook! It's so true! BUT WHY ISN'T IT PURPLE! *CURSE AND SWEARS!*
Lucky not pink haha. But I didn't know that melon's a colour, honest, mates!

What Country Describes Duckie Best: Hawaii? Serious?

Your ultimate destination is Hawaii: You love the sun and relaxation of the beach..you love the crystal clear, blue waters and you love to take a dip in the pool... you don't like it too hot or too cool...you like it right in between.. better get packing... your destination awaits...

Then again, they're not wrong, it's true! :O!

Who I was in my Past Life: Ghandi!!?!!?!?!? (No comments and no pictures)

But it said this: In your past life you were Ghandi. In this life you continue to have a strong resolve, are steadfast in your beliefs, very patriotic, moral, and caring.

HAHA! MY TWILIGHT GUY IS JASPER!

Hmmm, Doctor Phil's Personality test: The Lively Center of Attention

Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not one to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

YEAH! :P! Hahaha! (:

THAT'S ALL FOLKS!

they're not songs!

2009-03-19T00:18:00.005+08:00

I want to be rich and I want lots of money
I don't care about clever I don’t care about funny
I want loads of clothes and fuck loads of diamonds
I heard people die while they are trying to find them

I'll take my clothes off and it will be shameless
'Cuz everyone knows that's how you get famous
I'll look at the sun and I'll look in the mirror
I'm on the right track yeah I'm on to a winner

I don't know what’s right and what's real anymore
I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
When we think it will all become clear
'Cuz I'm being taken over by The Fear

Life's about film stars and less about mothers
It's all about fast cars and passing each other
But it doesn't matter cause I’m packing plastic
and that's what makes my life so fucking fantastic

And I am a weapon of massive consumption
and its not my fault it's how I'm program to function
I'll look at the sun and I'll look in the mirror
I'm on the right track yeah I'm on to a winner

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore
I don't know how I’m meant to feel anymore
When we think it will all become clear
'Cuz I’m being taken over by The Fear

Forget about guns and forget ammunition
Cause I'm killing them all on my own little mission
Now I'm not a saint but I'm not a sinner
Now everything is cool as long as I'm getting thinner

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore
I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
When we think it will all become clear
'Cause I'm being taken over by fear

Got the song title already?
It's currently my favourite song. Says a lot in this song. The bad words just add to the effect seriously.
But yeah, I like his artist, I think she's a bit like me except that I don't use swear words as boldly as she does and well, she's cheeky with her lyrics like daddy says.

Work today was a busy one, came late and had a lot of things to dry and wash. Oh by the way, did I mention that I work at the cafe now? I mean the one in Leroy's blog. And ahh the song above can be found in his blog too. The cafe looks like a doll's house. For people who might know this or recall this in English class, Mrs Jacobs once told the class to write a descriptive short scene and I did wrote one and I described about a town or a little village then I began with the road first then I started to describe some of the houses there and it so happens that one of the houses I was describing actually does look a bit like the cafe even though what I really was describing was what I saw in an MTV once. Lols, here's the MTV, folks!

With that, I wanna thank you for visiting my blog or at least reading this entry! I love Dido and she's really pretty and her hair looks great here!

The house isn't really what I described, was it? I got the inspiration from here! Haha, source of inspiration and ahhh, in the descriptive scene I put it that it looked like a doll's house that was purple and white heehee same here! (:

those stabbing, heart-wrenching words.

2009-03-10T16:14:00.003+08:00

"You are not physically appealing to me. And he started to point out my facial flaws. He said he still loved me but never attempted to contact me via my mobile nor elsewhere. I guess only the internet remains supreme leader, that's only place where he'd attempt to try to find me."

I still think books are the best. Okay anyway, today I sent in a resume. Who knows how hard it was to write one! Actually not that hard, I tried to apply my knowledge of formal letter writing into it. In the end, my father changed the whole thing. It appears that writing a resume is NOT like a formal letter writing. Sigh, at least now I know.

Okay, I have a confession to make. I have nothing better to do at home and seem to be echoing what my parents are doing. Like, let's just say when they wake up for work I know I'd still be sleeping. And when I wake up I start to read then gradually, I'd start to do other things, I love watching youtube too that's one form of entertainment for me, the internet. If it's not reading, it's here then, that's when they're not at home.

When they are, I watch tv with them, although I don't fall asleep and now, they're going out to do some errands and yes, I'm going with them! Sigh.

Right now, I'm having my eyes all over the classified page. Oh my gosh. Haha. I called a few numbers and got rejected because they wanted to Perm. I am Temp haha. I think this is no different from reading soon after, when I look here and the newspaper, and my parents watching the news, I think all I am ever going to see is alphabets and words. Yay me.

Okay, I think I'd better do something now. Saving myself -

aussie australia <3

2009-03-08T22:05:00.003+08:00

When I think about Australia, there are 2 things that strike my mind; The Sydney Opera House and The Great Barrier Reef.

I once came across a brochure about the Sydney Opera House, although the brochure was talking about haunted dwellings in Australia. It mentions though that even though the Sydney Opera House was a newly built building, it already has ghosts inhabiting in it. That is of course, very interesting to find out about. The structure of the Sydney Opera House too, sparks a curiosity in me as to how the designer had actually inspired to have an Opera House made like that, and how it would look on the inside!

I never knew what the exact meaning of the Great Barrier Reef mean but I suppose in simple English context, great means it is too fantastic while barrier would be referred as a blockage and a reef is where all the corals of the ocean floor live in so in other words, The Great Barrier Reef basically means A fantastic blockage made of plenty of corals! I have only seen corals on television when there are documentary shows. The most insightful would be the Blue Planet. Having to see it on a square screen is already too beautiful and magnificent as captured by the film underwater, but if one is able to not only see but touch and experience it, one will surely never ever forget the experience.

Extraordinarily though, there is only one possible movie I know that has most likely showed both of what would fascinate me the most about Australia and that movie is of course none other than Finding Nemo. A scene of the Sydney Opera House was captured during the Finding Nemo movie and the East Australian Current was also "showed" in the movie. What was the best about the movie was that it showed of the different kinds of fishes living in the ocean. It showed of the green sea turtle, known to be extinct soon perhaps because of its excessive hunting. I did not miss any of the corals that was showed too and the jellyfishes, even though it was cartoon, together with the documentary Blue Planet and Finding Nemo, my conclusion is that the ocean is just truly majestic.

As I end my post, Sydney Opera House and the Great Barrier Reef, you are treasures of Australia that I have yet to experience!

For a minute, frozen in time...

2009-03-08T21:46:00.003+08:00

I was angry at one point with myself. I hated the stupid application form and all. But I've got over it like I always do.

Hello world. Today, I just read finish Deathly Hallows. I know what you're all thinking, 'What the book came out when? Why so long?' Well, my dad bought the fifth book then I had to go hunting for the sixth and the seventh one. Sixth actually I read it once lah. Then I think I stopped reading it suddenly because in the fifth book Sirius died then I was sad also. Then sixth book, Dumbledore died then I guess I couldn't take it. But the Seventh book showed of the usual same kind of hope. And I was just thinking, you know? What if Joanne wrote about Harry dying? I think that I would accept that, I mean I know for a fact that originally he WAS suppose to die but then all the Harry Potter fans wrote to her and ask her not to let Harry die so well, Joanne is Brit and, nice about it. (:

It's not such a bad book honestly. For people out there who hate to read, books bring you out of your life, for me, reading books like Harry Potter, the Twilight Saga, Cecelia Ahern's and Little Black Dress books; they have all brought me out of my world for a minute or 2 and it was really great. People like books for a reason, try fantasy books like Harry Potter, those will definitely help you to escape this world, Reality.

Well, talking about that, I think that I had too long a holiday ever since O lvls. Okay, so I'm going Poly and not JC anymore. The holidays' really long. Got a job, quitting soon. And I know in my hols that I became a TV person, bookworm, still a bookworm and still a TV person. Did the norm, go church, attend services and all. Went out for movies, watched Marley and Me and cried. I know what my weakness is now. I cry when I watch Animal Movies and the animals die. I cried when I watched some Little Red Fox movie too, can't remember what the movie name really was.

So, can you imagine when the Poly application stuff came and disrupt my absolutely perfect peaceful life? Actually it's not that bad, just that I got to know "new" places. I frankly do not go out a lot and so, I got new experiences I suppose you could say.... Sigh, suddenly got nothing to blog about.

Oh wait, there's something hovering in my mind. It's just... They say Christians aren't suppose to read or are allowed to read books like Harry Potter. I think I do not agree with that. I mean yes even though it's magic and all that. I mean the stories, they still teach you how to be human, all the philosophical stuff too and logic mostly, especially Dumbledore. He's super human and super smart for reasons. I just think people should read the book lah. The last book is probably the best in my opinion or something, but you gotta read all the books lol.

Okay, my sisters watching Red Cliff now and I'm suppose to have something else to do so, love you all! <3!!!

HUGS AND KISSES FROM ME.. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Hahaha. (:

a desperate note...

2009-02-28T21:34:00.002+08:00

I realise that the world is always the same in my eyes. Be it the food, the lifestyle. I just can't find life interesting without money. And then before you know it, it all boils down to cash.

What fun can you have without cash? What fun can you have without power? What fun can you have without charm and all that is to affect the people of the world? And yet even after having them all, there's still be the tom, dick and harrys that hate you, *looks at tagboard*. But being a Christian, it for me to somehow believe and thank God that they are people like that existing in the world. We are to use and manipulate these people as such to our advantage. At a poor cause for them I suppose but then again, it's like what they all say anyway, What Goes Around, Comes Around and Retribution Befall You.

I find the most fascinating about life is the difference in it. I find myself longing for that difference. I am unable to be online most of the time. I apologise to my curious and most entertained and perhaps also intrigued readers if I may happen to have an amusing large quantity of them. Highly unlikely in my opinion. Shows how much I think of myself but as no pictures and a vast majority do not like reading, I express my woefulness for that. I unfortunately on the other hand have been plagued by the disease of the bookworm and am currently seeing letters and words whenever I stare at a blank wall or the light or even, just shutting my eyes.

However, I am kind enough to leave these in paragraphs, hoping that it would be easier for the human eye to race past these words. It is already proven that if I show you a picture and ask you to say a word about it, you will stutter but if I show you words and ask you to talk about them, they will not hinder you as much as the pictures do.

As I was saying, the difference I find in my life that I enjoy most I must admit would be travelling. Yes, travelling. How often are we delighted at that? Having to go into an unknown country, survive and experience its life there? One may dream about never leaving this place as I have often do think of it that way. But then, you need cash to do so, don't you? You need to buy plane tickets, afford the life there, pay taxes, earn money. Tell me something in this whole that you can continue to do for the rest of your lives without having money to interfere in it.

Alas, ends this desperate note rather abruptly. -

this is for the DESPERATE TOM DICK AND HARRYS: Go look for your own souls.

GUESSSSS WHO'SSS BIRTHDAY ISSS TOMORROWWW!!!! (:

2009-02-23T17:00:00.002+08:00

(Duckie also wanted to put the headlines as Is my birthday arriving earlier than I expected? or also, YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!.)

Hey everyone! Today really isn't a bad day! Maybe it's to make up for the really bad things that happen. Like...

FORGOT TO GO FOR WORSHIP PRACT - *ZONG HEAD*

KANA SCOLDING LIKE SIAO AT WORK - *ZONG HEAD*

Yeah. So, today, I met 2 new people, (they're new to me lah), same age as me. And they're rather nice I must say. Got on quite well I guess. But I was late for work... And in the end, still got signed on as on time, YAY! :P! This is good thing number 1. The first exciting and thrilling thing that happen was that, my cousin was in the restaurant!! REALLY! It's like I was serving coffee and tea then I saw that someone looked familiar and it really was her! Lol. One of my colleagues was like HUH, she LIVE here?! Lol.

Actually to tell you the truth, I have no idea why today at work was such a good day for me. 1)Is it because of the caffeine? 2)Is it because got no Captain there except a manager? Oh well. And today, I bullied another one of my colleague a lot. Hahaha. Not really bully lah it's just he was very blur and very slow and when asked to hurry up, he would say "for what?", I wanted to say "for money lah!" :P. And get the hold of this, he was an old acsbr boy muahahahahaha. :K.

Even though, one of the colleagues in which I cannot get along with very well, was there, but working at a different station, didn't spoil my day. And there was this joke of the day which I'm very proud of my comebacks. Okay, it was like this: I was at the place where everyone goes to clear the dirty dishes; plates, bowls and utenstils. Then just nice the runner came. His name begins with Ha, *(I dont think I want to say his whole name). And there I was clearing and one of the managers came by too, this manager's name begins with Al*, he asked "where is your boyfriend?" then I looked back and I said "You talking to me or him?" and I pointed at Ha! xD! Because there's this joke in our restaurant that he has a boyfriend because he's very close to one of the other runners which is his friend. So, that's the joke of the day, after that, I just kept laughing uncontrollably.

I guess there isn't anything much after that. The other enjoyable bit was that I get to enjoy free ice cream!!! (: And get to eat a cheap cup noodles of $1.30, (the cheapest around my house area) that's a Korean ramen of the flavour SPICY MUSHROOM FLAVOUR!!! YAAAAAAY!!!! :D:D:D:D:D!! Yup yup, all the good and the bad recorded, that's why it feels like my birthday came earlier. (:

Anyway guys, thanks to those people who's made my day today! (:

Now I'm going to go happily counting my $$$$ hee hee! (:

Also, what I always say to the customers at the place where I work:
Thank you, goodbye and have a good day! (:

Aiya, too lazy to blog lah. :P.

2009-02-16T14:04:00.002+08:00

Hello everyone!
(The enthusiasts in reading this blog! (: )

Actually, I only blog when something's up so well, you know when something's up lah. But recently, too lazy leh. I'm already taking a part time job in Marina Mandarin. Want to know more about it, ask me PERSONALLY.

Since today is 16th February, then I'll just tell you what happen like over time I suppose, I will think of something to blog about anyway.

Sian, 2 days after V Day... Blog about V Day lor. The day before V Day I work. (:
On V Day itself I didn't because Daddy decided to bring his beloved daughter go out on V Day. (This year's Father's Day is going to be a special one, daddy. :P) In the end, actaully, it's just one of the few times I actually spend time with daddy. It just feel like I'm going out with him, you know, the usual. It didn't really feel like anything special leh. Sorry Daddy, but it's kinda true. I don't know if you feel the same way.

So yar. But then the following day, that is ahhh... The day after V Day, I got service and church lor, which is yesterday. It was quite fascinating I guess. Last year, they gave real roses to the ladies and they also gave the ladies CDs. Guys got... NOTHING! HAHAHAHA! I remember that I had got 3 yellow roses during last year Valentines Day which is good enough for me. They also had this Valentines Service where we all had dinner together or something, that one should be the year before also. It was all pretty cool.

This year however, nothing much I guess. Just a box of chocolates and a star card inside, but hey, it' better than nothing and I really appreciate the stuff. There was a special item too, it was a dance item. (:

AND I WANT TO COMPLAIN HERE THAT I BOUGHT LIKE 8 V DAY PRESENTS AND THE BIGGEST PRESENT'S RECIPIENT NEVER COME FOR SERVICE! @@#%^%&^*&! SHE KNOW WHO SHE IS!!!!

Yeah okay then the rest came and so far this year Valentines, all I had was a red rose and 3 pink daisies. That's why yesterday I guess, I was so depressed and I wanted to blog about it because I always feel like I'm being taken advantage of. I always give and never get anything in return like that. Sigh.

I wanted to blog about this and vent my anger here. But then thank goodness, yesterday I spoke to my sister then she was like talking to me about it too, it's weird but I get on with her better now. I used to quarrel and fight with her a lot. Well, it's all better now.... The red beautiful rose looks like it's going to die. Roses can't last long, but hey, let's hope the love does! (:

ANYWAY, MY BIRTHDAY IS IN ANOTHER EIGHT DAYS! (It's on the 24th FEB!) REMEMBER IT! (:

Electric-guitar-fanatic!!!!!!!!!!

2009-01-26T01:39:00.003+08:00

OMG OMG EUGENE GAN WAS SO ROCKING WITH THE ELECTRIC GUITAR BEHIND ME TODAY FOR SERVICE! :D!

(: C N Y PEOPLE! :D!

That's right, it's er THE NEW LUNAR YEAR ALREADY!
And for some funny really weird reason, here's the post for the new er CHINESE year..
It's the year of the MOOOOOO. Hahaha.

I know that the time probably says that it's the New Year Day already but I still wanna post on what seems to be today for me. Haha. Well, today was my turn to go on stage as backups. It was great for one I think but then... It's like I've never been on stage for so long so when I got up there I was like shit, so long never go on stage, like I forgot that I always get stage fright. Then I see the number of people there... And the people whom I know and the majority in which, I don't really know...

However, during the worship itself, the thingy kinda like flowed in, like a distant memory, a distant past, and I got over the fear in nanoseconds! It was truly amazing because it felt like I was not there, not in the mood, and I was going out of tune or that I was having a shaky voice. It's weird too because this service or my school it sort of started to feel different like as though, I've been away from it for a really long time when I know I haven't. It's just really weird.

I had steamboat today anyway, after all the... ~~"i can't go and watch movie with my friends and i was kinda bitching about it."~~ Leroy was busy too, I mean hello, it's new year's eve! Reunion dinner! I didn't have it so it's like I got steamboat with my family.... Actually I did have it lah but I had it on Saturday. Saturday was like Worship practice then reunion dinner at PS with my dad's side. They're super funny people haha. And the restaurant's service was really lousy! If I work like that, surely kana dock pay, scolding, threaten... you name it.

Today was very boring, aside from church, I didn't mop or do whatever to the floor, I only cooked lunch and HAHAHA! I COOKED LUNCH WITHOUT HAVING TO ADD ANY EXTRA THINGIES INSIDE! BEAT THAT! It's like I cooked it with the food then it has it's own natural taste and it was just Délicieux ! :D. And I caught a bit of Mona Lisa Smile, a movie show on channel 5. It was a very insightful and interesting show even though I didn't really understand it totally but as a Literature student, (yes I take pride in that, should have seen my interview day)... Haha actually, it was just about this bunch of girls then it was interesting as seeing it as a woman side, I agree with the teacher that women aren't suppose to be like slaves to men. They are allowed to go get education, be lawyers and doctors and all.... The show was a bit degrading because, they showed pretty much most of the brilliant women get cheated by men. It was just disgusting. But then again, not really. This movie was a bit confusing too. But I didn't really like it lah. Hmmm but it was fine all the same, it's INSIGHTFUL, remember? (:

Oh yeah, this part is for some specifically narrowed down people to read, WING CHUN is not such a violent movie! But then, it shows a much more firm, serious side of Kung fu. There's another show that's quite the opposite, it's Kungfu Hustle and that show will just bring laughter to you! So, yeah. Haha. And sorry to people who got my hell today. It's the last day of the "new year" remember? Tomorrow's the brand new year! And that's why I always say that "tomorrow will always be a better day" especially if you had a bad one today! (:

LOVE YOU ALL GUYS AND WEALTHY NEW YEAR TO ALL OF YOU!

P.S. Remember, to think twice about marrying, you must ask whether you still want to receive hong baos anot haha. -LATER! (:

U.P.D.A.T.E

2009-01-17T23:18:00.004+08:00

"Joscelyn, update your blog!"

"Joscelyn, have you updated your blog?"

"Oie, update already anot?!"

"DO IT NOW!"

. . .

I didn't know my blog so nice to read hahaha.
Anyway, A BIG FAT APOLOGY TO EVERYONE.

Duckie says: "Not my FAULT."

I am actually really quite busy, I mean with all the JAE thing. Then received results. Okay that whole episode was just very depressing. I can't go JC but I got over it. And I'm happy for you all out there who can. (:

The stupid JAE thing in the end, must JPSAE then dunno do what what what. And I went to only one polytechnic to decide my future haha. TP. Dunno why my dad and Leroy like SP. (must be because both of them are DADDYS! :P)

So, for those people who don't know, I'm going to JPSAE into Psychology! YES YES YES! I LLLOOOVVVEEEEE PSY! HEE HEE. I don't know if you do. People think I'm a nutter. The cut off is like 9 pts. Dear old duck here ain got anywhere near 10. Haha, but you'll never know til you try, won't ya? (:

And I also went out with my teacher and Paddy to catch up on the times. It was a very long talk. But I remember she was like... OMG You've got only til Friday to plan the rest of your lives! Haha. She's quite funny. (:

And going out with Joel and CY and Vic and sometimes Gavin and Leroy, it's all really fun at times. The Poly one took so long honestly. And the place is so windy. I love it. It's like really big lah, TP. And it could be my future new hang-out! Eeeew, not so much. I just hope if I go there, I won't get influence by all the Ah-Lans and Ah-Bengs... Is it very cool to be known as that in Polys? O.o I don't think so. And I'm not gonna dress like one so I'll probably stay the same old nerd huh. :P.

I'm gonna add more stuff in here because I feel like I owe you guys so much! Haha. Well, I've started working again too. I feel so guilty. I'm like this blur person there. Work there how long already still so blur lol. They also complain that I take my time too. It's not really that, I'm really trying. But then, working I must say, it's really funny. Especially the situations LUH. Okay okay, I'll tell you guys a bit about it. Today, there's one, I was doing the sugar bowl at the place where the schedule for the following week and all were placed. There came a crowd and everyone started looking and pointing and talking about the schedule. Leroy was there too. Then one of the captains came and she said like "whoa whoa, why are you all here? Customer come already and nobody serve them!" then the crowd departed and she own self go and see the schedule! Haha. One of the person from the crowd came and she said to the captain, you chase us all away then you own self go see the schedule! The captain grinned and said she short mah. Haha.

There are others more too lah. But some of the really amusing people for me didn't come to work today or as often anymore. One of them is the runner, he really makes me laugh. And it's amazing because the people at work who make me laugh are all the easily feisty and angry people. The runner guy's one of them and the other one is a woman who works in the kitchen. The woman's really funny because Leroy told me that she always scold people and the people who were scolded by her were laughing. And one time when I was cleaning the cutlery's in the kitchen, she was scolding Leroy and I was laughing. Before that, she scolded this man for taking the broom or something then all he did in response was laugh! There was another time, she was really angry and she was scolding this guy like really badly, and when he laughed, she whack his head. xD. She's like a really damn cute woman. I love her! She's so funny! Leroy says that it must be because of her cute face and I couldn't help but agree! (:

Well, see? Working life ain that bad. The customers can be quite funny and amusing too. I know one of the manager is. (:

There's also another thing, my dear old mum wants me to go find another job. Seriously, I guess I don't mind but this time, I want a super slack one or something. When I first started looking for a job, I was aiming for an admin job or something that worked in the office. I looked in the classifieds for anyone whose hiring a clerk or receptionist. So guys, people out there, got any jobs for me? Please look for me! (: Thank you! (:

I'd have about 2 months plus or something since I'm going Poly so that means that I'll commence in April woah, so long. I think I'm going to die til that time comes. Up til now, still so bored and everything. Sigh, wonder how you guys are doing. I know that quite a load of you are also going Poly. Some, unknown. So you know what, all the best to you all out there! (: Hope you get what you want in the JAE, yeah? I hope this post is long enough. My fingers aren't willing to stop anytime soon. Lol. (:

DUCKIE. THE ONLY DUCK YOU KNOW YOU'LL LOVE FOR LIFE! :P.

IN A BLINK OF AN EYE...

2009-01-10T19:16:00.003+08:00

And it's 2009.

IN A BLINK OF AN EYE

And I'm getting my O Level results back.

IN A BLINK OF AN EYE

And then I realise that I've got new lovely friends! (:

That's true. It's 2009 already. Yay. And this is my first post in the new year! (NOT!) I'm getting back my results on Monday boohoo. I agree with Leroy. It seems only yesterday we were taking our exams and I was fretting over everything to revise on and freaking out after the papers wondering to myself, is it enough? For the Humanities, did I write enough? Did I write this? For the other other subjects was, did I write according to what they asked? That question was funny, why was the test paper so easy? It was so easy, we all got caught off-guard!

And then in the recent days, my friends have been reminiscencing about the past.
How school days were like... Never handing up homework, forgetting homework, last minutes things..... all bringing laughter to my eyes. Haha.

Ok this post is short so this is it. Love you all. (:

I WANT A CAMERA PHHHHOOONNNEEEE!!!!!

2009-01-04T02:18:00.002+08:00

Or at least my own personal camera perhaps. That might do. (:

GAAAAAAH BEEN SLEEPING REALLY LATE. Can't quite help it.
Anyway, bored. So I decided to post and as usual, I'm waiting for me hair to dry.
Believe it or not, even after I cut my- chek - Rapunzel hair.... I still have to wait for the now very much shorter hair to dry!

I'm freezing here haha. I wonder why. Sigh, the way Leroy goes about our job, I think we lost it for some reason. Oh this post is suppose to be about yesterday. The party at K Mah's house. Haha, the guys call him K Mart. He lives very near me and yet, I have no idea how to go to his house. His house is really nice imho. The swimming pool isn't that bad. Though it does look small if there was no upstairs. Yes, there is an upstairs, it's like the balcony or the top thingy and it's really nice, that's the really special and nice thing about his house. There's like this glasshouse and there's a tv inside, some small kitchen, pool table which can change to table tennis. NICE BIG SOFA. Mahjong table. Mind you, I spend most of my time on the Mahjong table haha. Reliving those days of pathetic Mahjong.

Dinner was great haha. And well, Isaac baked a cake. Chocolate cake. Yeah. Well. The natural reaction or so-called natural well, if you know Isaac, him baking a cake, it just leaves you shocked for a minute or so. It's normal haha. Nobpdy dared to eat the cake. And matters were made worse when the cake, let's say, it was very hard or tougher than usual. I ate it first lol. It wasn't that bad but it was hard and very sweet. Typical chocolate cake to be very sweet. It's not so bad compared to all the samples I had to eat during my own sec3 and 4 days. They were more disgusting. And honestly, I think for a first try it's not bad really. Haha, my chocolate cake was a disaster when I made it for the first time. The whole thing like crashed or something ah well. My teacher said I didn't let it cool down or set long enough that's why.

Then Joel cooked pasta. Whoa, a guy who can cook. Haha. But he cooked beef. I hate beef but his beef wasn't that bad honestly. Most beef that I eat, I smell the disgusting smell and taste the disgusting taste but then, his cooking was really good for a guy. BEAT THAT LEROY. Haha. See, a guy who can cook! Ahhh well, that's getting rare but Joel added so many spices and stuff in the sauce haha. But it was worth it, since it's really nice.

Well, K Mah party was a bit boring for me. Maybe because I didn't talk much to the people there or that I was not as sociable as I pretty much thought I would be. But it was entertaining and I didn't really pay attention to the Nonya show haha. There was Ghost Whisperer and House. I watched those 2 and the nonya show. Lol, played darts. It was pathetic. Lol. Anyway, I think I'm going to go sleep. Sorry guys. No camera nor camera phone, it's a word essay that sounds more like ranting. Haha.

9 DAYS!!!!! TO ETERNAL DOOM! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

itsy bitsy teenie tweenie yellow polka dotted bikini! (:

2008-12-27T21:41:00.003+08:00

YO PEOPLE OF EARTH.

CHRISTMAS was GREAT!(:

Indeed, I was grounded but I went for Christmas service, with my whole family! Papa, Mama, Sises and MOI. Haha. I was showed on the screen like twice haha. And I sounded really funny on that day haha. But it was really fantastic all the same. I think this grounding thing was a blessing in disguise because my whole family not only had bonding time together but also that they all attended my church service haha. (:

As usual, I suppose the youths are quite oblivious to that haha. Except maybe Joel, CY lor cuz I told them and Vic haha. I manage to pass like about 15 people the christmas cards I wrote. I wrote 20 originally, can't remember what I wrote to them so if you asked what I wrote personally to each... Er you gotta ask them! :P. But there was all one similar line in each of the cards that was something like I WISH YOU AND YOUR FAMILY A BLESSED CHRISTMAS! Something like that haha. Then after that, I went to cut my hair.

OKAY, SPOILER if I go for service tomorrow but haha, some people saw it today during ministry meeting le. But lucky and fortunately, I am not going for service tomorrow because I have to go Msia and shop. >.<. Yeah. Okay, back to after Christmas service...

So I cut my hair then I spend the rest of the day moaning about it. Haha. Not really. Then on BOXING DAY, I went to my cousin's house for DINNER. Woots. Haha. M cousins were really entertaining. And when there's people, there's chaos. Haha. It's really funny because everyone or each of the families had to prepare like something for dinner. Then my dajie still at NUS so my erjie and me were doing the salad for dinner and we made like lots of salad. ONE BIG BOWL of salad- you should see the bowl- then there was another big bowl beside it with still some more salad then my cousin was commenting 'Whoa, confirm go toilet' xD. Because she made a dish that was broccoli and carrot then she said 'Okay, surely go toilet'. And it was particularly funny too because my sis wanted to add raisin to the salad lah... then she kept shaking the raisin box, she was like shaking it....... forever. Then I asked her why she shake the box and why kept shaking it? She said because the raisins all stick together so she shake then they will separate then easier to come out... Then i see her shake so much I say ok lah ok lah can already lah. In the end, I open the box lid and dump out the raisins, all one big ball still stuck together! I couldn't help it! I was like After all that shaking then you say what, shake then they will separate, easier to come out! FEI HUA! Haha!

We watched Enchanted, again for me haha. While we were saying grace or my cousin was saying grace then halfway my grandma interrupted "jiek peng!" which is "eat rice" in hokkien then we all laugh. Haha. So cute. And we watched Little Nonya together and they kept making all the funny comments. Then they played asshole taidi. I got the asshole haha. Some watched Ghost Whisperer then some play taidi. Still quite funny. My cousins are mostly female and who says female can't be funny and entertaining? My cousins were! I painted my nails HEE HEE.

Then, today got meeting and it was rather funny too. Because I was sitting behind Clement and Nigel then there was one particular part where Glenn said what if he was lame then Clement broke into uncontrolled laughter and Nigel was like Glenn is already lame no need to if he or something like that I can't really remember it properly. Clement is so hilarious. Then the guys talk about NS also. Haha. And what girlfriends and stuff then you start to count your finance carefully. Lol. And the worship songs were good too (:

Then later waited for my dad to come to fetch us to my auntie's church, went for some service then had dinner. And we played some games too. The hulahoop game and Don't Forget the lyrics!

Reminds me of that time TNG service, i think last week, the service before christmas, it was also very funny because we had the games section and had a don't forget the lyrics section too and Clement was doing the commentaries it was really funny because don't forget the lyrics only had a few missing words but the one for service was like the whole paragraph like that! I like Dwight's reaction because he saw the thing then his reaction was like WHOA! XD! And Clement said what why so difficult haha, it's not university standard lol. So funny.

Then tonight the don't forget the lyrics was a lot easier. The categories was 60s, 70s to 90s, Cartoons, Current chart hits. My sisters and I did one on stage, our song was from the cartoons one... It was At the beginning-Anastacia. Lucky, we knew the song because my erjie and me sing then we knew the part to the missing words lucky lucky haha. The songs were familiar songs to us in the game. And we almost knew most of the lyrics. It was a really enjoyable time honestly. I really enjoyed myself. It was not only funny, it was entertaining mostly too when we were not participating.

When, that's about it for today. It was a real big bash. Haha. I hope you guys had a great Christmas too! And then we can all usher in the new year 2009 with all the delighted smiles on our faces! (:

And as usual, LOVE YOU ALL GUYS! :D! Haha, this entry sure is a long one (: I wanna thank those people for their Christmas cards and gifts! (:

P.S Here's my current favourite song! Can be found on Gavin's blog!!! (: (:
The Man who can't be Moved - The Script

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move,
Got some words on cardboard got your picture in my hand,
Saying if you see this girl can you tell her where I am,
Some try to hand me money they don't understand,
I'm not...broke I'm just a broken hearted man,
I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do,
How can I move on when I'm still in love with you...

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

Policeman says son you can't stay here,
I said there's someone I'm waiting for if it's a day, a month, a year,
Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows,
If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go.

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

People talk about the guy
Who's waiting on a girl...
Oohoohwoo
There are no holes in his shoes
But a big hole in his world...
Hmmmm

and maybe I'll get famous as man who can't be moved,
And maybe you won't mean to but you'll see me on the news,
And you'll come running to the corner...
Cos you'll know it's just for you

I'm the man who can't be moved
I'm the man who can't be moved...

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.
[Repeat in background]

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag not I'm not gonna move.

UBER NICE SONG! YOU'LL LOVE IT TOO! (: (:

Toothy the one-eyed mouse!

2008-12-25T01:47:00.003+08:00

My anonymity will not last..!
Last few moments of satisfaction....

MERRY CHRISTMAS! WOOOTS! (:

Okay, this week, I mean the starting of the week was kinda fun in a way, maybe.
The events were like this: It all started with the camp, then later I met some new friends at the camp and they are great. Really. My job stopped temporarily, for awhile. I wrote cards. Had service. Got my second paycheck. Wanted to go shopping. Went. Bought some dress that cost me my Christmas. Yup.

Well, so in words, maybe my Christmas was ruined due to some dress that I bought because I wanted to wear something nice on Christmas. Apparently, wearing something nice was a crime if the thing that you bought, cost a bomb. HELLO! IT'S CHRISTMAS. Obviously the prices would rise wouldn't it? Ahhh.... I don't know, I can't be bothered with it anymore. I feel dirty like I haven't bathed for a really long time. Maybe it's the hair and the weather. Sigh. Yup. But hey, I guess I'm happy still. It's a blessing in disguise because during this critical moment, I realise that I might have nice angels and accomplices.

This entry should be typed on Christmas people. Well, then I came across something on the net that's quite an eye opener! SERIOUS!

BE WARNED

IF YOU HAVE SENSITIVE EYES

MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T SEE IT

IF YOU'RE OF THE FAINT-HEARTED

MAYBE YOU SHOULD AVOID TOO

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

.

..

...

....

Found this one google. Well, it's really sad. ):
It's a one-eyed cat actually, not the dreamy toothy i was thinking about.
But nonetheless.... well, it's very depressing. It still looks cute. (:>

Anyway, I guess I'll go sleep now. Man, my life sucks now.
And I always hope that

Tomorrow will be a better day... (:

MERRY CHRISTMAS! LOVE YOU ALL! (:

IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT......

2008-12-21T21:00:00.003+08:00

Don't clap your hands....

Hello Ballooney. This might be a long entry or not.
Wow, I don't know why I suddenly feel like posting.
Church service took up most of my time today. It's really weird because this is like the christmas and also the festive season, yet I can't feel the warmth and right here, right now, I'm experiencing what I felt in the camp. Emptiness.

I remember that one night, when Royston, he's my group leader came to pray for me. It's the same weird strange feeling of emptiness. How do I even began to describe it? It's like cold except that you don't feel cold. It's just this void of nothingness. Like a cold hard empty shell, devoid of all emotions. You don't feel fear, anxiety or anything. It's not happiness neither is it unhappiness, it's just nothing.

So much for the Christmas festive season huh? And I don't know why I cling on when there's nothing to hold. I'm like standing on my own two feet. Maybe God's watching me, but I can't feel Him. It's like He's not there for some reason which is absurd since He is there all the time. I don't know what's wrong with me. That's how I truly feel and yet, when people come up to talk to me, I don't know how I can do it, but I actually smile and show signs of having emotions. There's a question for myself, am I hypocritical?

It's just really strange to me. And then I have all these random thoughts. Like imagining that one time in Europe, at the top of the mountain with my sister and my parents. That kind of fun in the snow. Laughter, and you can hardly look up because all you might end up seeing is snow. Snow is like soft ice for those you have not experience it. It's like your ice blended, soft and cold. It's beautiful and I have these thoughts about being up there alone in the mountain, just sitting at the edge and looking at all that snow. I like the idea of that. The isolation. It's strange that I want warmth and isolation at the same time. I want it to be filled with noisy crowded loving people and I want it to be empty and devoided of feelings concurrently.

I hope this year's Christmas will be a blast. Believe it or not, I'm feeling really generous with all the salary I've got. I want to like donate all my money or something or just spend the whole thing getting gifts for everyone. But I don't know what to get them? What would be the perfect gift but love? That's what I am thinking. Am I nuts? Haha. And I haven't gone shopping yet. I'm already thinking of things that are really special.....

This is abrupt but I feel like I want to end my thoughts here. So, in case, I can't get the computer, this message is for all of you people on there living in this world:

HAVE A CHUBBY CHRISTMAS AND A JOLLY GOOD TIME WITH YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS.
MAY THE LORD BLESS YOU DEEPLY ON THIS DAY!

Love you all, as usual, Little Duckie signing off. :D.